A. Stare at her breasts.
B. Struggle not to stare at her breasts.
C. Either A or B, but wipe off the drool.
D. Although you're so tongue-tied you can only come out with gibberish, bravely try to explain yourself.

A. "By the way, have you met my daughter?"
B. "Come on! If we leave for Las Vegas now we can be married tomorrow!"
C. "So... would six kids be enough for you?"
D. "By the way, have you met my daughter? She wants to come along with us to Las Vegas so we can get started on a little sister for her right away."

A. My integrity is unimpeachable. Diogenes would have found me.
B. An occasional white lie helps smooth over awkward backstabs.
C. From time to time I rely on the convenience of truth.
D. My integrity is unimpeachable. After all, Diogenes did find me.

A. Come visit my bedroom webcam page and I'll show you.
B. I'm not at all reserved about my good qualities.
C. My spouse can sometimes judge my mood.
D. I have no comment at this time.

A. I need frequent hugs or I get the shivers.
B. I'll shake hands with strangers who look relatively safe.
C. Friends may gaze on my benevolent countenance.
D. I'd be happier if I were a basilisk.

A. I require perfection. Please present your certificate for inspection.
B. Well, uh, I'm holding out for a lover who's sort of OK, you know?
C. I'm no stickler, but I'd prefer someone with a heartbeat.
D. Heck, in a pinch I'd settle for the President of the United States.

A. Probably one of the standard ways, you know, fire, ice, a plague of frogs, something like that.
B. It'll be a slow death by pollution, habitat destruction, and global warming. Other people are so irresponsible.
C. We'll be overwhelmed by too many environmentalists. Those people are so irresponsible.
D. The world already ended with Seinfeld.

A. Computers can't think. Only steering committees can do that.
B. Probably some boring topic that only a machine could deal with, like calculating the optimal way to relieve poverty worldwide.
C. It's wondering what humans did to become so weird.

A. Significant Other.
B. Sex Object.
C. Some One.

A. She's a trip, but I don't like falling. Or going places.
B. She can't commit me! I'm not crazy!
C. I'm already fully committed. I don't have time for--please hold.
D. I'm married.

A. I swear I don't nag my boyfriend for promises. But if you want to move in I'll kick him out.
B. A commitment freely made is no commitment at all. My parents taught me that.
C. Cut this sexist crap! By joking about cultural gender roles you're affirming oppressive patriarchal stereotypes, you pig!
D. Because I'm not married.

A. I thought of giving up hope, but I'd probably do it wrong.
B. I used to expect that things might eventually have been going to get better once, but then I realized I was confused.
C. Things go my way more often than not. It's one of the advantages of knowing everything.
D. I invest in Russian bonds.

A. It's an abomination. We must join the army of the Lord to fight against this desecration of the holy human genome.
B. Who cares? Even if they do clone Julia Roberts she still won't go for me.
C. Some of my best friends are clones. I know a sales clone, a manager clone--all kinds.
D. I will stop all human cloning as soon as the army of my clones has gained control.

A. What are you getting at? Are you making fun of me?
B. Naturally. I appreciate Oscar Wilde and Jane Austen.
C. Yeah, I know 15,000 light bulb jokes! Wanna trade?
D. Ha ha! That's funny!

A. The unquestionable answer to all unanswerable questions.
B. A tricky workaround to account for free will.
C. The teleological manifestation of ontological speleology.
D. Chastity's daughter. You know, my cousin from Kansas.

A. The one true God, Yahweh, Allah, Krishna, or Ma'at.
B. Toyota.
C. Other deity or deities. Specify: ____
D. Human idiocy.

A. A great PR machine.
B. A bullet-pocked wall. Only martyrs are inspirational.
C. Another great inspirational leader waiting for a turn.

A. If you please, I would prefer not to answer.
B. Perhaps I am modest, but what do I have to brag about?
C. My superior opinion of myself is entirely justified.
D. Humble, you worm, and don't you dare imply otherwise!

A. And you're one of them.
B. But I don't know what they are.
C. Me and everybody else.

A. The what? Is something going on?
B. I don't hold with killing and destruction. I'm against all eight sides.
C. It's a Jim Dandy of a Fahrvergnügen foofaraw, the mother of all bagatelles. Where do I sign up?
D. The whole region is a stewpot of trouble, and they don't even have oil. Let's nuke 'em back to the stone age.

A. I've decided to be miserable and lonely. I'm happy that way.
B. I don't know, nobody's asked me out yet.
C. Come on over, we can explore the question together.
D. Hey! I'll have you know I was acquitted of that rape!

A. Ack! Oh... sorry, you startled me.
B. Yes, but I'm fine now that I have this chin pad. It protects my jaw from hitting the ground.
C. Depends. Is it a nice surprise?
D. I knew you were going to say that.

A. Permanent total cessation of physiological function.
B. Security.
C. Liberty and a home entertainment center.

A. Yes.
B. I'm kind of decisive, except when I'm not sure.
C. Can I get back to you on that? I'll appoint a study committee.
D. Um, I, well, that is, you know. Whatever.

A. Absolutely. By the way, what does that mean?
B. I've made many incisions, largely with cutting remarks.
C. Let me check my latest position on that one.
D. Yes, I'm a great incisor. I mean, no, how can you accuse me of that?

A. Yes, a good friend is more lasting than a diamond.
B. Yes, I stay bought.
C. Loyalty is for the dogs.
D. I put it the right way around. My friends are loyal to me.

A. I may not be the greatest genius in the world, but I am second.
B. So-so. I've heard of Descartes. Or was that Sartre?
C. No.
D. We insurance regulators are all pretty smart. Look how we sent Martin Frankel packing!

A. Wake me up when they decide. On second thought, let me sleep.
B. As a manufacturer, I see no reason for labeling. Consumers have never cared what they eat.
C. As a consumer, I have the right to know what I'm eating. I need to know what I'm boycotting this week.
D. Can they make it, like, glow in the dark? Cool!

A. Doh! No contest! Earthquakes are way badder.
B. I believe that the artificial disaster will in the end rise level to every need, will in the end triumph over every merely natural disaster.
C. I'm betting on the hurricanes to show in the final race, at 3:1 odds.
D. Nobody wins. We all lose. Farewell, cruel world! It is a far, far better rest I go to.... Oh, Scarlett!

A. Three hours a day, six on weekdays, for my health. Slicing passers-by with my ribs is very healthy.
B. I mean to, but you know how it is. The couch is so fascinating.
C. No. Why live longer if it makes me miserable?
D. "Exercise"? Is that when there's nobody around and you have to get up to fetch your own beer?

A. Aw, what a sweet question.
B. Why yes, in fact. My sunny temperament is famed far and wide.
C. Brute! Blackguard! Pollster! Get back in your cell!
D. For information about me, press 1. For information about other people, press 2. For information about....

A. It's more wealth for the world, so it's good for everybody. Wait for your share right behind me.
B. I dunno. I've been so busy, you know, upgrading my home theater.
C. Hah! Now we'll show those smug Japanese/Germans/Arabs/economists.
D. I don't know if I can stand any more "advice" from those smug Americans/slimeballs.

A. I can sometimes predict the past.
B. There's a 40% chance of rain tomorrow, unless I'm wrong.
C. I knew you were going to ask that. Next you will sigh with exasperation.
D. Yes. Exactly 28% of people will answer "D".

A. Defy fate. Sleep late.
B. Fun for all and all for fun.
C. Deify the Fates. Love Bill Gates.
D. Next on the Me News Network: Me.
E. All of the above.

A. No comment. I don't answer anyone with a speck on their jacket.
B. I vacuum every hour/week/year (circle one), whether I need to or not.
C. In my house, when you crack an egg for breakfast, it's full of dust.
D. On advice of counsel, I decline to answer the question.

A. I didn't know how lonely I could be, until I found you.
B. I didn't know how happy I could be, until I forgot all about you.
C. I live a life of love and joy, almost like Lucy and Ricky.
D. I'm still looking for my heartbreak.

A. Hi, your name is, I mean, uh, my name is, ah, sort of, bye.
B. Compatibility verification is complete. Commence maneuvers.
C. You are the atom of my apple, the very ankle of my ankylosaur.
D. Haven't I met you somewhere before?

A. I'm inconsolable. I jump off the Golden Gate Bridge every time.
B. Oh well, there are other shipwrecks in the sea.
C. My one true love is dead. Long live my one true love!
D. Next, please.

A. A relationship! I should be so lucky!
B. We can work it out. We will work it out. Divorce lawyers are too expensive.
C. Well, it looks like our hour is about up.
D. Never happens. I leave before then.

A. I'll fall in love like falling in Jupiter.
The overwhelming crush will draw me in,
down through the rainless storms spiked with lightning
vaster than worlds, down through the turning layers,
down to the white-hot core where we will mingle
joyous forever.

B. You may be a winner!

A. Whee! Ah ha ha ha! What?
B. I see all existence as suffused with a glorious inner torment.

A. Noooooo! Aaaaaaah! Britney Spears will die!
B. I'm not worried. John Wayne will save the day.
C. Interesting. Taxes are not inevitable after all.
D. Cool! No more Britney Spears!

A. Yes, I buy a new fridge every month to complement the calendar picture.
B. Yes, the colors of my carpet and curtains don't clash. Much.
C. Yes, the paint peels into the most interesting patterns.
D. No.

A. What could possibly go wrong?
B. Are you crazy? Don't you realize what you have done?
C. Will you ever learn?
D. Can you explain the application of quantum chromodynamics to the reaction kinetics of human idiocy hormone?

A. The few. The proud. Those who can count.
B. Slowpokes. The odometer already rolled over.
C. They can't count. One K is 1024, so we don't reach Y2K until 2048.

A. The past, because it's the part we can know and learn from.
B. The future, because it's the part we can change.
C. The dinosaurs to come know that now is the only time that truly exists.
D. I tried living in the now, but it took too long. Now I prefer, y'know, whenever.

A. Every problem begins to resemble a screw.
B. You're gold. Somebody else will have to solve it.
C. Make sure it's a big one.

A. Because they thoughtlessly believe that lie detectors work.
B. Because they carefully believe that lie detectors work.
C. Because they know full well that lie detectors don't work.

A. That will never happen. I'm the smartest possible entity.
B. That will never happen. Nobody's smart enough to do it.
C. That will never happen. Philosophers have proved it impossible, and philosophers are always right. Even when they disagree.
D. Retire on my investment in Pan-Galactic Robotics, Inc.

A. I told you, that can't happen. The 12-year-old computer geniuses won't stand for it.
B. They promised upheaval at the fall of the Soviet Union, too, but it only affected the Soviet Union. No problem.
C. I'll stock up on pretzels and wait it out.
D. I told you, I'll retire. Our robot masters will assure the stability of the important institutions, like the stock market.

A. Anyone who has never stowed away in an airplane wheel well.
B. My mom, but only if she's having a nice day.
C. Only those I've mathematically proven to be truthful.
D. Richard Nixon. He's dead.

A. I've heard of that. It's a computer language.
B. I can tell a binnacle from a barnacle if you line them up for me.
C. It's odd that lobsters and squids are both called decapods.
D. Using isotope ratios in planktonic foraminifera, we can reconstruct the thermocline depth in... did you say something?

A. I'm gonna enroll my kids today, so they can be successful in business.
B. I'm putting mine out on the street, where at least it's safe.

A. Helen of Troy, move over. Stand aside, Adonis.
B. I don't get any complaints. At least not in person.
C. I need to be more accepting of physical deformity.
D. I don't know. Mirrors crack in my presence.

A. I don't have cable.
B. I am in intellectual poverty and this is your welfare program.
C. I really dig apagoresis and metalepsis.
D. Finnegans Wake is too shallow to hold my attention.

A. I favor the annihilation of free will.
B. Another flip-flop. When I was in school, intolerance was bad.
C. Why can't problems be handled in a sensible, case-by-case manner, through the courts?
D. I'm waiting for them to rename Fresh Kills, New York, to Pleasantville.

A. I can never decide who to vote for. They all seem so sincere!
B. Oh, my friends, strangers in the street--anybody but family.
C. The space aliens told me there are no space aliens. They're the only ones I believe, and they don't exist, so I believe no one.
D. Is that a real question? I'm calling my lawyer.

A. Apologies show weakness. I prefer, "Take that!"
B. I crack an old chestnut like "I just flew off the handle, and boy are my arms tired."
C. "I'm so sorry! Here, let me--oops! Sorry again! This will fix you right up--oops! Uh, this is where I run away."
D. The classics are best. "In apology, I can do no less than to place my faith and fortune at your disposal."

A. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
B. I'll decide after Gabriel sets off the Last Car Alarm.
C. It's my favorite, so far.
D. You must worship no other television personality before me.

A. The world is improved by all the funny greeting messages.
B. Combine them with telemarketers' calling machines, and we don't need people at all.
C. Think of the progress we could make if only we knew the right questions!

A. Where would you like to be set down?
B. My sphinx is as the sphinx of ten because its nose is cured. Um, what was the question?
C. I can crush aluminum cans with my bare hammer.
D. In what game?

A. Live as openly and generously as I can, during daylight hours.
B. The question is monstrous! I will not compromise my plot!
C. The usual--rape the land to fuel the ravenous furnace of industry.
D. What future generations?

A. Think globally, act crazy.
B. We are neither right nor left behind.
C. Break only what's broken, stuff only what's stuffed.
D. Eco-topics for the ectopic ecotopia.

A. Wimpy conduct restraints or wimpy breakup, who cares? They need to salt the fields.
B. If Microsoft wanted the case dismissed, they should have paid more politicians.
C. Whatever gets it over with, so the news can show more human interest stories.
D. I just think it's funny that Microsoft is a megafirm.

A. A self-contradictory euphemism.
B. A violation of the Hippocratic Oath.
C. Carried out under non-sterile conditions.
D. A catchphrase. All catchphrases are stupid.

A. Infinite complexity, sure, but justice has limits.
B. I blame it on the gay pagan abortionists at the ACLU.
C. I blame it on Jerry Falwell.
D. That's a code? I thought it was just a funny name.

"The price of infinite justice is infinite patience."

A. That and lots of cash.
B. On Earth as it is in Heaven.
C. The price of enough justice is enough bullets.
D. What's in a name? "New York" doesn't make sense either.

A. Repeated news stories with the same information.
B. Flags.
C. Lack of flags.
D. The time on Earth of all terrorists.
E. All of the above.

A. How modern washing machines work.
B. A branch of public relations.
C. Some geek thing that I'll never understand.
D. All of the above.

A. Ucc!
B. Escapee.
C. Winner.
D. Everyman.

A. When I become omniscient, you'll be the second to know.
B. I'm warning you! No traipsing!
C. I worry that "coniferous" sounds like "carnivorous".
D. Swarming snow-frogs devoured my flying saucer collection!

A. An opportunity from which only the unprepared profit.
B. A disaster from which only the lucky recover.
C. Best left to the famous.
D. Wasted on the famous.
E. Best left to the dead.
F. The only thing I really want.

A. We'll convert volcanoes to geothermal power plants, sucking away all their heat so they can't erupt.
B. That won't work. We'll send the hot lava through turbines to generate electricity, and use the electricity to run giant air conditioners--with filters to catch the dust and poison gas.
C. Too complicated! We'll capture the hot volcanic gasses in great balloons. When each balloon is full, we'll release it to float down the jet stream until it cools and lands at a chemical plant for processing. Wanna ride?
D. If the volcano's going to trash the territory anyway, why not put the wasteland to a good use, like mall parking?

A. Hiding it perfectly.
B. Inflicting it on others.
C. Getting insurance to cover it.

A. Families who slay together, stay together.
B. Families who sleep together, keep together.
C. Families that have a heart stay apart.

A. Disclaimer. The views expressed in my life do not necessarily reflect reflection.
B. It's only the end of the world, it's not like it's Armageddon.
C. And in conclusion, I would like to add, though I am obliged to take this lying down, I promise to always maintain my proximity to the geological terrain.
D. I don't know what's next, but the Firth of Forth is fifth.

A. All streets will be covered.
B. Safety goggles for all.
C. Paperwork for clouds before they are allowed to rain.
D. Security will keep pedestrians safely spaced 500 meters apart.

A. Improv with a talented acting crew.
B. The only viable alternative.
C. A pile of junk from other people's attics, that you have to make something of.
D. I don't know, I haven't gotten one yet.

What do you want to say to the people of France?

A. By world standards, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Austria had Joerg Haider, the U.S. had Ross Perot, and even Yugoslavia had Milosevic.
B. How could you fail to elect someone who's so plainly the epitome of self-centered French culture?
C. Le Pen is mightier than the bored.

A. When everybody gets nuclear weapons, they'll have a standoff, like in the Cold War.
B. When everybody gets nuclear weapons, they'll glassify the place.

A. This is a free trade, money for votes.
B. Well, it's almost free--only $160,000,000,000.
C. OK, the cost in international political capital is rather steep, but it's worthwhile if we can restore the budget deficit. Then there'll always be a scapegoat.
D. What giant bill? He never believed that beanstalk story.

A. Composed entirely of natural elementary particles.
B. Composed entirely of stuff found lying around.
C. Not too icky.
D. Made in a well-scrubbed factory.

A. "Outdoors?" Does that mean outside my tent?
B. I can take it or leave it, which is good because when I don't leave it I have to take it.
C. The outdoors is fine in its place, but it has too much weather.
D. I only leave my coffin at night.

A. Ignore it.
B. Disbelieve it.
C. Offer an alternative theory with invisible flying saucers.

A. Want to shoot some pool on it?
B. I can't decide, weed killer and fertilizer or green paint?
C. Greedy oil companies would pay good money to destroy this bastion of wilderness.

A. Where I come from, we have a word for this: "Huhwhazzat?"
B. I'll believe it when I'm stranded in East Dubuque.
C. As long as there's trouble with the trains, we're safe from fascism.
D. Go with me, instead. I only want $200,000 to keep operating.

A. Hey fellow tangerine fan, save out one for me.
B. I can think clearly now, my brain is on.
I can think of all possible roundelays.
C. Here comes the pun.
Here comes the pun, and I say:
It's awry.

A. Nothing. I'm staying.
B. Stamina.
C. Inability to stay put.
D. Gasoline--at least, that's what it looks like in the glass.

A. Only milk and honey, and only when it's freely volunteered.
B. I eat a balanced diet including all four major chocolate groups.
C. Whatever. Want a beer?
D. I'm a cannibal, but it's OK. I only eat Vegans.

A. I can understand Athena springing from Zeus's brow, but where did the palace come from?
B. I don't get these partial differential equations. How'm I supposed to solve it if they don't even give me the whole equation?
C. Never get involved in a land war in Asia. Why did nobody tell that to Sun Tzu?
D. What is this Crimea river that people sing about?

A. Not nearly as much as they should be.
B. Don't tell my insurance company.
C. A simple revision of the date will correct them.
D. It's true what they say about God and Nietzsche.

A. There is no future. The present lasts forever.
B. There is no future. Pollution and global warming are the end.
C. There is no future. The heat death of the universe is the end.
D. There is no future. The school year has started.

A. Admitting the kidnappings and nuclear program shows that North Korea is making excellent progress with its 12-step program at Despots Anonymous.
B. Yes, they're nearly ready to start thinking about whether to begin step 1.
C. They can get away with admitting stuff like this! Aaaaaah! We're all going to die!

A. It was state-of-the-art when bought in 1894.
B. To save money so that the adminstrators can be paid more.
C. To keep the kids awake in class.
D. It has to be strong enough to shelter under when the poorly-constructed building collapses in an earthquake.

A. Dude, I'm trying to be ironic here. Don't, like, harsh on my vibes, 'kay?
B. "Mommy mommy look! The nice man gave me mu... mu... nice stuff!" "Munitions, dear."
C. It is a far, far better place I go to than I have ever ruled.
D. No, the escape plan is not quite finalized.

A. All of them. Nobody would lie about something so important to national security and the National Enquirer.
B. There are always a few bad apples who'll fib to cause trouble for us real abductees.
C. Only the ones who escaped before being subjected to the mind control ray.
D. They're all delusional. That's what the mind control ray does.

How do you explain this mystery?

A. They were testing whether the official explanation, "slippery rails", would cause riots.
B. The brakes don't work, and they don't care. Wear your safety goggles.
C. Shh! Secret project! The less you know, the better.
D. There was a glitch in the time machine. But don't worry, the space-time continuum is all patched up now.

A. All life is on Earth, the center of the universe. MWAHAHAHA!
B. They love us, but they don't want to risk our friendship by admitting their existence.
C. There's a sign on Pluto saying "WILD ANIMALS DO NOT FEED".
D. On Jerry Springer, duh.
E. Who do you think runs your country?

A. Computer programming. "But spinning on the atomic lock will saturate the bus."
B. Quantum physics. "Massless quarks show four spin-zero condensates, due to chirality and helicity."
C. Public relations. "We can spin the damage control as proactive image repair."

A. School.
B. Rule.
C. Carpool.

A. A committee of government scientists who throw darts.
B. A committee of highly-paid marketers who throw darts.
C. An exacting corporate cost-benefit analysis, used as a dartboard.
D. Quantum fluctuations.

A. Yes, that such vast destruction can be considered constructive.
B. Yes, that they're using language like "shock and awe," as if winning the war were more important than winning over public opinion.
C. No, dammit, I wanna see the big kaboomies myself.
D. Yes, I mean what? I can't hear you.

A. Altruistic. I'm going to stop this destructive war. Every war I've protested has eventually ended, so if I keep it up long enough we'll have world peace.
B. Altruistic. I support improving the world by eliminating Saddam, who has killed more Iraqis than the West ever will. If we just fight enough wars, we'll have world freedom.
C. Altruistic. I'm going to invent a time machine and use it to skip my birthday every year so that I never get older. The world needs me forever.

A. I am one with the All, and all with the One.
B. Always keep your eyes on the big picture, because the bigger the picture, the better the art critique.
C. It is enough to take one day at a time. Heck, in traffic it's enough to take one block at a time.
D. Oooh, shiny!

A. Greed, Avarice, and Appetite Principles.
B. If they can get away with it, so can we.
C. Gap between Assurance and Actual Practice.
D. The capitalization and extra A imply that the gap is large.

A. They sing:

99 species of frog in the bog,
99 species of frog.
Stomp one flat as a welcome mat,
98 species of frog in the bog.

B. They celebrate their great successes:

"And with only those twelve cartons of documentation, I was granted the permit!" "That's nice, but did I ever tell you how I got financing for the Swampworks project?"

A. Earthlings must have been mass murderers in their previous lives.
B. Then why aren't you a spammer?
C. Do you know a better planet, bright spark?
D. It's not your fault. You were sucked in by the gravity of all the other losers.

A. The national government is evenhanded; they cheat everyone equally.
B. Let the feds clean up my city first; then they can clean out my fellow citizens.
C. Decentralized government is better because you can move away if your part goes rotten.
D. I'm not moving until they both go away.

A. They should take the company name seriously, and face the end bravely.
B. Hmm, one cat is out, but the bag is still moving.
C. Eh, they'll have no problem suppressing the--mrphggg!

A. Bad luck for my enemies.
B. Good opportunity.
C. Falling asteroids.

A. Beech already made the Starship, I dunno why a space ship should be hard.
B. Cute publicity stunt, but Spenser Tunick is more fun.
C. Good news! The future is beginning any time now!
D. Who do I kill to get to fly it?

A. They're principled. All public servants should resign.
B. At least they have government policies.
C. I'm moving. Always wanted to be a frog boffin.
D. France still has science? I thought they were going for wine and cheese.

A. Man, psychedelic!
B. I think somebody missed a critical period for language development.
C. Yeah yeah, the vodka is good but the meat is rotten.
D. I already know about the beltway.

A. Explains more about its adherents.
B. Is simpler to sell.
C. Has cooler buzzwords.
D. Offers plausible deniability.

A. I procrastinate on it by doing my taxes.
B. I've decided to build a robot to do it for me.
C. I'm sorry, I've blocked that information from my mind.
D. It might take a few weeks, according to my manager.

A. Provided you have planned ahead well.
B. Because eventually you start to hallucinate.
C. If your enemy is also sitting by the river, make sure you are downstream.

A. I know what to do now.
B. I don't know what to do now, but I can fake it.
C. None of the above.
D. None of the above, either.

A. We'd better learn how to be quiet, or we'll become monsters too.
B. Stare too long into Nietzsche and you forget how to shut up.
C. Use telescopic sights when hunting gremlins.
D. Decisions are meaningless. Let's go to Burning Man!

A. The struggle is not to the swift, nor the race to the finish line, but what was the question again?
B. Life is a contest, dedication versus futility.
C. No time. Ask my agent.
D. All of the above.

A. Living well; use their money.
B. Living longer; use their knife.
C. Avoid revenge, win the first time.
D. Not caring; get used to it.

A. It may drive you up a wall.
B. Face powder does not help you face responsibility.
C. It doesn't come from the same socket.
D. Only the victims care.

A. Guess I'll just suffer and die along with the rest of humanity. Been nice knowin' ya!
B. Lie, cheat, and steal--the usual.
C. Switch newspapers again.

A. I face a difficult choice, emigration or suicide?
B. Yay! The forces of good can still protect America!
C. Yay! The forces of good can now defeat America!
D. Alas, the level of polarization still falls short of civil war. Where's my revolution?

A. That'll be $9.95. Thank you for shopping at Propaganda Warehouse.
B. You can dream anything you want, outside working hours.
C. Yes, compared to most places with a government.
D. Go ahead and take it. Please!

A. The what?
B. I'm making snide jokes about it.
C. $5 will do some good. Or maybe I should knit a sweater.
D. I am currently out of the country. Please leave your number, and I'll get back to you when I have ensured world peace and prosperity. *beep*

A. It's an ancient tradition honed through the ages for the sole purpose of making me feel even more lonely.
B. It's a day of atonement for all the sins I failed to commit in the past year.
C. Maybe I'll be able to make up for forgetting the anniversary. Again.
D. Mmmmmmmmmm, no comment.

A. Wait until it's fully cut-and-dried.
B. Hold off till you're sure that no one died.
C. But claim you were and write the field guide.
D. We can all try at once and not collide.

A. Black hole.
B. Party.
C. Marriage.
D. Life.

A.Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more shady and more indolent.

B.Summer's lease, yeah, we went out once and it was great, the date was definitely too short. But I don't think there's a long-term future in the relationship. We can't meet again until next year.

A. To be assigned tougher tasks until you can't do them.
B. To have gotten out from under it.
C. Same as anything done, the bragging rights.
D. Pfff, like I would know.

A. Only things it's applied to.
B. For example, it missed Fermat's Last Theorem.
C. Violence can't solve the problem of violence.
D. But it solves everything that matters.

A. Thanks, I already have peace of mind.
B. I'm not worried. The steel trap has already closed.
C. Good, then I'll have a matching set.
D. Mmmm! Cotton candy!

A. There is nothing as ridiculous as everything else.
B. Fiddler on a Hot Tin Roof.
C. The Society to Cure Hooligans of Overeating, Oversleeping, Laughing, Mendacity, Assault, Rape and Murder (SCHOOLMARM).
D. John Denver, or as the French say, Jean D'Enfer.
E. A man, a plan, a canal--root!
F. Vlad the Inhaler.
G. International diplomacy.

A. Oh, how dreadful! I should send George around with the second limo to help the poor people.
B. The underground Strategic Reserve will last a long time. I add to it whenever I change the oil in my car.
C. We'll have to switch to renewable resources, and put all the toddlers on treadmills.
D. My earlier predictions of the end of civilization were premature, but this one is right.

A. With the fox on guard, I'm sure no hens will escape.
B. As son of the Education President, Bush's wide-ranging knowlitch makes him perfeckly sooted.
C. No, we need an independent investigation--here's mine.

A. Bury me in a t-shirt that says "Just Resting".
B. Shoot my ashes into the sun. I'll finally be a star.
C. Forget it. My remains are immortal, just like me.
D. My new host body will feed on the old one.

A. I thought there was only one superpower now.
B. Sleeping late.
C. Watching seven TV shows at once.
D. I don't have time for this now! Call again when the kids go to college!

A. If you are flying, don't be afraid to fall. If you are falling, don't be afraid to fly. To live life is to balance on the edge of a knife which has been thrown at no particular target.
B. Insurance had better cover this.

A. Meh. Hyped disasters don't happen.
B. They tell us to worry. I'm not worrying until they start telling us what to do.
C. TV coverage has been dull so far, but it'll be exciting if we get a real pandemic.
D. The last doctor's last words will be "Told you so!"

A. I don't even plan as far ahead as the next word that I'm thinking of being going to say or whatever.
B. I'll get back to you on that.
C. Almost far enough to avoid quizzes.
D. Give me a minute to look that up in my book.

A. Half of diplomacy is pretending that you do not know what is happening, and the other half is really not knowing.
B. We have to show the next nations in line that if they get nuclear ambitions, they'll have to face jabber too.
C. Pff! The posh old nuclear club has gone shabby!

A. Yes. Don't put all your baskets on one egg.
B. Yes, the Earth is not big enough for everyone I want to bury there.
C. No, somebody has to stay behind to laugh.

A. It's afternoon now, I can't answer hard questions this late in the day.
B. Morning is OK, especially the part before I get up.
C. Mm perfelly fun uffer vadmy--ah, coffee!
D. By Murphy's Law, day breaks because it can.

A. South Korea's Roh Moo Hyun moves up to become the second-worst elected leader in the free world.
B. Meh. Depends on how many times they recount.
C. It's big. Italy kicks Sicily a lot harder than Florida kicks Cuba.

A. When the things one can't stand are disjoint from the things the other demands.
B. When I'm as pure as the snow that has been driven on.
C. When I'm as happy as a clam at a clambake.
D. Theory predicts that such an event may be possible.

A. Remembering my long, happy life.
B. Wondering whether there will ever again be a show as good as Seinfeld.
C. Watching from Saturn, like all sensible people.
D. Removing my finger from the button.

A. Can we go back to Angelina Jolie now?
B. What's the difference between a bug and a feature?
C. How many more layers to the onion?
D. Where can I get a TEMPEST-certified laptop?

A. The possibility of defense does not exist. We only attack!
B. The military is unfamiliar with this "encryption" that you mention.
C. Meh. The NSA already has it anyway.
D. All non-bureaucrats look alike to me.

A. Official documents... like, say, search warrants.
B. Ethics Committees.
C. Constitutionality arguments.
D. Fiscal stability.

A. My scanning tunnelling adult supervision microscope is not picking up anything.
B. There was no camera in my bathroom yesterday, but let me check again.
C. Yeah, they sent me a reminder to change my oil.
D. Given that they're probably listening in right now, I'm pretty sure that's everything.

A. It's better than shooting at each other.
B. We'll be safer, because mad scientists only want to take over the Earth.
C. To give the sane people a place to escape to.
D. A war restricted to one planet is not as much fun.

A. How many more excuses do we need before we can start the bombing?
B. We're all furious! We're going to--going to--going to talk about it some more!
C. It's overkill. Kenneth Lay died on his own.
D. Whatever. Moral fiber is for breakfast cereal.

A. I don't think it's a day at all. I've never seen it.
B. I'll believe it when they convince me there's such a thing as modern paleontology.
C. My calendar says it is--so probably not.
D. With how much I have to do, I hope it's several days.

A. Eh.
B. Nah, not when it counts. The disaster is still over five minutes away.
C. Hard work is the only way to do good in the world, and since no good deed goes unpunished I've always known better.
D. I'm gonna have to hand that one off to my micromanagement consultant.

A. Aw, they look so cute, like mindless little clones.
B. Transparency is critical. With uniforms, everyone understands that the real issue is control.
C. There is no better training for a valuable life as a corporate drone.
D. Please pardon our appearance. We are under instruction.

A. It stays. That's why the universe must expand.
B. The positions of socks and other small objects become increasingly uncertain.
C. Spammers have to get their messages from somewhere.
D. I... don't remember.

A. I can't figure out whether they faked it incompetently, or actually did it incompetently.
B. They're planning to deliver this bomb how? With the missiles that don't work?
C. Surprise increase in threat level, exactly as predicted.
D. Arright! Finally! The excuse for action!

A. Isn't that beside the point?
B. Nice story, but too short. Next!
C. Whatever. It's safer than being a journalist in Russia.
D. Sartre was an optimist.

A. It is the result of having no brain.
B. It was only radio. He had no idea anybody might be listening in.
C. What a kidder. He's joking when he says "We don't torture."
D. "Robust interrogation"? He's not good enough at minimizing it. Maybe "We don't torture, we ask firmly"?

A. How beautiful can it be
If it isn't on TV?
B. I wish I'd taken Esthetics 101 in college.
C. Sure. A green light is pretty, and pedestrians who obey it are beautiful.
D. Naw, in this weather everyone covers up.

A. Follow me!
B. Don't do what I do, do what I say.
C. Today, you're in charge. (Ah, this is relaxing.)