10 May 1998
|
Guys: What’s the best way to let her know you care?
A. Stare at her breasts.
B. Struggle not to stare at her breasts.
C. Either A or B, but wipe off the drool.
D. Although you’re so tongue-tied you can only come out with gibberish,
bravely try to explain yourself.
|
11 May 1998
|
Women: What’s the best thing to say to get rid of an obnoxious guy?
A. “By the way, have you met my daughter?”
B. “Come on!
If we leave for Las Vegas now we can be married tomorrow!”
C. “So... would six kids be enough for you?”
D. “By the way, have you met my daughter?
She wants to come along with us to Las Vegas so we can
get started on a little sister for her right away.”
|
1 July 1998
|
How honest are you?
A. My integrity is unimpeachable. Diogenes would have found me.
B. An occasional white lie helps smooth over awkward backstabs.
C. From time to time I rely on the convenience of truth.
D. My integrity is unimpeachable. After all, Diogenes did find me.
|
2 July 1998
|
Are you open about your feelings, or reserved?
A. Come visit my bedroom webcam page and I’ll show you.
B. I’m not at all reserved about my good qualities.
C. My spouse can sometimes judge my mood.
D. I have no comment at this time.
|
22 July 1998
|
How much human contact do you prefer?
A. I need frequent hugs or I get the shivers.
B. I’ll shake hands with strangers who look relatively safe.
C. Friends may gaze on my benevolent countenance.
D. I’d be happier if I were a basilisk.
|
30 August 1998
|
How choosy are you about who you’ll date?
A. I require perfection. Please present your certificate for
inspection.
B. Well, uh, I’m holding out for a lover who’s sort of OK, you
know?
C. I’m no stickler, but I’d prefer someone with a heartbeat.
D. Heck, in a pinch I’d settle for the President of the United States.
|
5 September 1998
|
How do you think the world will end?
A. Probably one of the standard ways, you know,
fire, ice, a plague of frogs, something like that.
B. It’ll be a slow death by pollution, habitat destruction, and global
warming. Other people are so irresponsible.
C. We’ll be overwhelmed by too many environmentalists.
Those people are so irresponsible.
D. The world already ended with Seinfeld.
|
16 September 1998
|
Your computer can perform millions of operations every second.
What do you suppose it thinks about in between mouse clicks?
A. Computers can’t think. Only steering committees can do that.
B. Probably some boring topic that only a machine could deal with,
like calculating the optimal way to relieve poverty worldwide.
C. It’s wondering what humans did to become so weird.
|
10 October 1998
|
What does SO stand for?
A. Significant Other.
B. Sex Object.
C. Some One.
|
10 November 1998
|
Men: What’s your excuse for avoiding commitment?
A. She’s a trip, but I don’t like falling. Or going places.
B. She can’t commit me! I’m not crazy!
C. I’m already fully committed. I don’t have time for—please hold.
D. I’m married.
|
11 November 1998
|
Women: Why do you pester your partner for a commitment?
A. I swear I don’t nag my boyfriend for promises.
But if you want to move in I’ll kick him out.
B. A commitment freely made is no commitment at all.
My parents taught me that.
C. Cut this sexist crap! By joking about cultural gender roles
you’re affirming oppressive patriarchal stereotypes, you pig!
D. Because I’m not married.
|
21 November 1998
|
How optimistic are you?
A. I thought of giving up hope, but I’d probably do it wrong.
B. I used to expect that things might eventually have been
going to get better once, but then I realized I was confused.
C. Things go my way more often than not. It’s one of the advantages
of knowing everything.
D. I invest in Russian bonds.
|
26 December 1998
|
How do you feel about the prospect of human cloning?
A. It’s an abomination. We must join the army of the Lord to
fight against this desecration of the holy human genome.
B. Who cares? Even if they do clone Julia Roberts she still
won’t go for me.
C. Some of my best friends are clones. I know a sales clone, a
manager clone—all kinds.
D. I will stop all human cloning as soon as the army of my clones
has gained control.
|
15 January 1999
|
Do you have a good sense of humor?
A. What are you getting at? Are you making fun of me?
B. Naturally. I appreciate Oscar Wilde and Jane Austen.
C. Yeah, I know 15,000 light bulb jokes! Wanna trade?
D. Ha ha! That’s funny!
|
7 February 1999
|
Faith is (check one or more):
A. The unquestionable answer to all unanswerable questions.
B. A tricky workaround to account for free will.
C. The teleological manifestation of ontological speleology.
D. Chastity’s daughter. You know, my cousin from Kansas.
|
8 February 1999
|
I have faith in (check all that apply):
A. The one true God, Yahweh, Allah, Krishna, or Ma’at.
B. Toyota.
C. Other deity or deities. Specify: ____
D. Human idiocy.
|
6 March 1999
|
Behind every great inspirational leader is:
A. A great PR machine.
B. A bullet-pocked wall. Only martyrs are inspirational.
C. Another great inspirational leader waiting for a turn.
|
7 April 1999
|
Are you humble or haughty?
A. If you please, I would prefer not to answer.
B. Perhaps I am modest, but what do I have to brag about?
C. My superior opinion of myself is entirely justified.
D. Humble, you worm, and don’t you dare imply otherwise!
|
11 April 1999
|
There are two kinds of people in the world:
A. And you’re one of them.
B. But I don’t know what they are.
C. Me and everybody else.
|
17 April 1999
|
What do you think of the Balkans war?
A. The what? Is something going on?
B. I don’t hold with killing and destruction. I’m against
all eight sides.
C. It’s a Jim Dandy of a Fahrvergnügen foofaraw,
the mother of all bagatelles. Where do I sign up?
D. The whole region is a stewpot of trouble, and they don’t even have
oil. Let’s nuke ‘em back to the stone age.
|
15 May 1999
|
In the dating world, are you a wallflower or a go-getter?
A. I’ve decided to be miserable and lonely. I’m happy that way.
B. I don’t know, nobody’s asked me out yet.
C. Come on over, we can explore the question together.
D. Hey! I’ll have you know I was acquitted of that rape!
|
31 May 1999
|
Are you easily surprised?
A. Ack! Oh... sorry, you startled me.
B. Yes, but I’m fine now that I have this chin pad.
It protects my jaw from hitting the ground.
C. Depends. Is it a nice surprise?
D. I knew you were going to say that.
|
20 June 1999
|
Give me liberty or give me:
A. Permanent total cessation of physiological function.
B. Security.
C. Liberty and a home entertainment center.
|
25 June 1999
|
Are you decisive or wishy-washy?
A. Yes.
B. I’m kind of decisive, except when I’m not sure.
C. Can I get back to you on that? I’ll appoint a study committee.
D. Um, I, well, that is, you know. Whatever.
|
26 June 1999
|
Are you incisive or waffle-brained?
A. Absolutely. By the way, what does that mean?
B. I’ve made many incisions, largely with cutting remarks.
C. Let me check my latest position on that one.
D. Yes, I’m a great incisor. I mean, no, how can you accuse
me of that?
|
16 July 1999
|
Are you loyal to your friends?
A. Yes, a good friend is more lasting than a diamond.
B. Yes, I stay bought.
C. Loyalty is for the dogs.
D. I put it the right way around. My friends are loyal to me.
|
21 July 1999
|
Do you think you’re pretty smart?
A. I may not be the greatest genius in the world, but
I am second.
B. So-so. I’ve heard of Descartes. Or was that Sartre?
C. No.
D. We insurance regulators are all pretty smart. Look how we
sent Martin Frankel packing!
|
19 August 1999
|
Many countries are debating the safety of genetically-modified food
and considering whether to require labeling. What’s your position?
A. Wake me up when they decide. On second thought, let me sleep.
B. As a manufacturer, I see no reason for labeling. Consumers
have never cared what they eat.
C. As a consumer, I have the right to know what I’m eating.
I need to know what I’m boycotting this week.
D. Can they make it, like, glow in the dark? Cool!
|
10 October 1999
|
As we approach the millennium, we’ve seen earthquakes in Turkey and Taiwan
and nuclear accidents in Japan and South Korea. So far it’s a tie.
When the millennial flag comes down on the race, which doom-bringer will
be ahead?
A. Doh! No contest! Earthquakes are way badder.
B. I believe that the artificial disaster will in the end
rise level to every need, will in the end triumph over every
merely natural disaster.
C. I’m betting on the hurricanes to show in the final race,
at 3:1 odds.
D. Nobody wins. We all lose. Farewell, cruel world! It is a far,
far better rest I go to.... Oh, Scarlett!
|
15 November 1999
|
Do you exercise?
A. Three hours a day, six on weekdays, for my health. Slicing
passers-by with my ribs is very healthy.
B. I mean to, but you know how it is. The couch is so fascinating.
C. No. Why live longer if it makes me miserable?
D. “Exercise”? Is that when there’s nobody around and
you have to get up to fetch your own beer?
|
11 December 1999
|
Are you good-natured or cranky?
A. Aw, what a sweet question.
B. Why yes, in fact. My sunny temperament is famed far and wide.
C. Brute! Blackguard! Pollster! Get back in your cell!
D. For information about me, press 1.
For information about other people, press 2. For information about....
|
4 February 2000
|
The U.S. economic expansion is now the longest in American history.
How do you feel about it?
A. It’s more wealth for the world, so it’s good for everybody.
Wait for your share right behind me.
B. I dunno. I’ve been so busy, you know, upgrading my home
theater.
C. Hah! Now we’ll show those smug Japanese/Germans/Arabs/economists.
D. I don’t know if I can stand any more “advice”
from those smug Americans/slimeballs.
|
6 April 2000
|
Can you predict the future?
A. I can sometimes predict the past.
B. There’s a 40% chance of rain tomorrow, unless I’m wrong.
C. I knew you were going to ask that. Next you will sigh
with exasperation.
D. Yes. Exactly 28% of people will answer “D”.
|
14 April 2000
|
Do you have a personal slogan?
A. Defy fate. Sleep late.
B. Fun for all and all for fun.
C. Deify the Fates. Love Bill Gates.
D. Next on the Me News Network: Me.
E. All of the above.
|
13 May 2000
|
Are you a neatnik or a slob?
A. No comment. I don’t answer anyone with a speck on their jacket.
B. I vacuum every hour/week/year (circle one), whether I need
to or not.
C. In my house, when you crack an egg for breakfast,
it’s full of dust.
D. On advice of counsel, I decline to answer the question.
|
2 June 2000
|
Have you found true love?
A. I didn’t know how lonely I could be, until I found you.
B. I didn’t know how happy I could be, until I forgot all about
you.
C. I live a life of love and joy, almost like Lucy and Ricky.
D. I’m still looking for my heartbreak.
|
15 July 2000
|
What do you say when you realize you’re in love?
A. Hi, your name is, I mean, uh, my name is, ah, sort of, bye.
B. Compatibility verification is complete. Commence maneuvers.
C. You are the atom of my apple, the very ankle of my ankylosaur.
D. Haven’t I met you somewhere before?
|
10 August 2000
|
What do you say to console yourself after a breakup?
A. I’m inconsolable. I jump off the Golden Gate Bridge every time.
B. Oh well, there are other shipwrecks in the sea.
C. My one true love is dead. Long live my one true love!
D. Next, please.
|
11 August 2000
|
What do you say to keep yourself going in a relationship when
things seem bad?
A. A relationship! I should be so lucky!
B. We can work it out. We will work it out. Divorce lawyers
are too expensive.
C. Well, it looks like our hour is about up.
D. Never happens. I leave before then.
|
12 August 2000
|
What do you say to yourself when faced with a prospective relationship?
A. I’ll fall in love like falling in Jupiter.
The overwhelming crush will draw me in,
down through the rainless storms spiked with lightning
vaster than worlds, down through the turning layers,
down to the white-hot core where we will mingle
joyous forever.
B. You may be a winner!
|
9 September 2000
|
Is your temperament happy or melancholy?
A. Whee! Ah ha ha ha! What?
B. I see all existence as suffused with a glorious inner torment.
|
10 October 2000
|
How will you react when the alien commander threatens to
blow up the Earth?
A. Noooooo! Aaaaaaah! Britney Spears will die!
B. I’m not worried. John Wayne will save the day.
C. Interesting. Taxes are not inevitable after all.
D. Cool! No more Britney Spears!
|
1 November 2000
|
Are you into home decor?
A. Yes, I buy a new fridge every month to complement the calendar
picture.
B. Yes, the colors of my carpet and curtains don’t clash. Much.
C. Yes, the paint peels into the most interesting patterns.
D. No.
|
1 December 2000
|
What question is easiest to answer?
A. What could possibly go wrong?
B. Are you crazy? Don’t you realize what you have done?
C. Will you ever learn?
D. Can you explain the application of quantum chromodynamics
to the reaction kinetics of human idiocy hormone?
|
30 December 2000
|
What do you think of those who are celebrating the new millennium
starting in 2001?
A. The few. The proud. Those who can count.
B. Slowpokes. The odometer already rolled over.
C. They can’t count.
One K is 1024, so we don’t reach Y2K until 2048.
|
25 January 2001
|
What’s more important, the past or the future?
A. The past, because it’s the part we can know and learn from.
B. The future, because it’s the part we can change.
C. The dinosaurs to come know that now is the only time that truly exists.
D. I tried living in the now, but it took too long. Now
I prefer, y’know, whenever.
|
21 February 2001
|
If the only tool you have is a hammer:
A. Every problem begins to resemble a screw.
B. You’re gold. Somebody else will have to solve it.
C. Make sure it’s a big one.
|
24 February 2001
|
Measure your cynicism quotient! Why do politicians suggest catching
inside spies with polygraph tests?
A. Because they thoughtlessly believe that lie detectors work.
B. Because they carefully believe that lie detectors work.
C. Because they know full well that lie detectors don’t work.
|
1 March 2001
|
What will you do in the future, when computers surpass humanity
and become superintelligent?
A. That will never happen. I’m the smartest possible entity.
B. That will never happen. Nobody’s smart enough to do it.
C. That will never happen. Philosophers have proved it impossible,
and philosophers are always right. Even when they disagree.
D. Retire on my investment in Pan-Galactic Robotics, Inc.
|
2 March 2001
|
Let’s try again. What will you do in the future,
when computers surpass humanity and become superintelligent,
causing vast social upheaval because all jobs are automated?
A. I told you, that can’t happen. The 12-year-old computer geniuses
won’t stand for it.
B. They promised upheaval at the fall of the Soviet Union, too,
but it only affected the Soviet Union. No problem.
C. I’ll stock up on pretzels and wait it out.
D. I told you, I’ll retire. Our robot masters will assure
the stability of the important institutions, like the stock market.
|
25 March 2001
|
Who do you trust?
A. Anyone who has never stowed away in an airplane wheel well.
B. My mom, but only if she’s having a nice day.
C. Only those I’ve mathematically proven to be truthful.
D. Richard Nixon. He’s dead.
|
20 April 2001
|
How much do you know about the sea?
A. I’ve heard of that. It’s a computer language.
B. I can tell a binnacle from a barnacle if you line them up for me.
C. It’s odd that lobsters and squids are both called decapods.
D. Using isotope ratios in planktonic foraminifera, we can reconstruct
the thermocline depth in... did you say something?
|
21 April 2001
|
A study concluded that children in daycare are more aggressive.
What are you going to do?
A. I’m gonna enroll my kids today, so they can be successful in
business.
B. I’m putting mine out on the street, where at least it’s safe.
|
2 May 2001
|
How do you feel about your personal appearance?
A. Helen of Troy, move over. Stand aside, Adonis.
B. I don’t get any complaints. At least not in person.
C. I need to be more accepting of physical deformity.
D. I don’t know. Mirrors crack in my presence.
|
8 May 2001
|
Why do you read the Daily Whale?
A. I don’t have cable.
B. I am in intellectual poverty and this is your welfare program.
C. I really dig apagoresis and metalepsis.
D. Finnegans Wake is too shallow to hold my attention.
|
26 May 2001
|
What do you think of zero tolerance policies in the schools?
A. I favor the annihilation of free will.
B. Another flip-flop. When I was in school, intolerance was bad.
C. Why can’t problems be handled in a sensible, case-by-case manner,
through the courts?
D. I’m waiting for them to rename Fresh Kills, New York, to
Pleasantville.
|
14 June 2001
|
Who do you believe?
A. I can never decide who to vote for. They all seem so sincere!
B. Oh, my friends, strangers in the street—anybody but family.
C. The space aliens told me there are no space aliens. They’re the only
ones I believe, and they don’t exist, so I believe no one.
D. Is that a real question? I’m calling my lawyer.
|
1 July 2001
|
How do you apologize?
A. Apologies show weakness. I prefer, “Take that!”
B. I crack an old chestnut like
“I just flew off the handle, and boy are my arms tired.”
C. “I’m so sorry! Here, let me—oops! Sorry again! This will
fix you right up—oops! Uh, this is where I run away.”
D. The classics are best. “In apology, I can do no less than
to place my faith and fortune at your disposal.”
|
19 July 2001
|
What would you say if you had created the world?
A. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
B. I’ll decide after Gabriel sets off the Last Car Alarm.
C. It’s my favorite, so far.
D. You must worship no other television personality before me.
|
28 July 2001
|
What implications do you see in the existence of answering machines?
A. The world is improved by all the funny greeting messages.
B. Combine them with telemarketers’ calling machines, and we
don’t need people at all.
C. Think of the progress we could make if only we knew
the right questions!
|
8 August 2001
|
Do you think of yourself as strong?
A. Where would you like to be set down?
B. My sphinx is as the sphinx of ten because its nose is cured. Um,
what was the question?
C. I can crush aluminum cans with my bare hammer.
D. In what game?
|
3 September 2001
|
Your fate is fated, and your doom is not doomed. Run or dawdle,
Death will one day drop you in your path. What’s your plan to
take it out on future generations?
A. Live as openly and generously as I can, during daylight hours.
B. The question is monstrous! I will not compromise my plot!
C. The usual—rape the land to fuel the ravenous furnace of industry.
D. What future generations?
|
7 September 2001
|
Lately, globalization protests have been turning violent, a problem
that can be solved only by the adoption of a new slogan. What should
the slogan be?
A. Think globally, act crazy.
B. We are neither right nor left behind.
C. Break only what’s broken, stuff only what’s stuffed.
D. Eco-topics for the ectopic ecotopia.
|
10 September 2001
|
The Justice Department is no longer trying to break up Microsoft
in the antitrust trial. What do you think?
A. Wimpy conduct restraints or wimpy breakup, who cares?
They need to salt the fields.
B. If Microsoft wanted the case dismissed, they should have
paid more politicians.
C. Whatever gets it over with, so the news can show more human
interest stories.
D. I just think it’s funny that Microsoft is a megafirm.
|
22 September 2001
|
The term “surgical strike” is stupid because it is (choose one or more):
A. A self-contradictory euphemism.
B. A violation of the Hippocratic Oath.
C. Carried out under non-sterile conditions.
D. A catchphrase. All catchphrases are stupid.
|
23 September 2001
|
What do you think of the code name “Infinite Justice”?
A. Infinite complexity, sure, but justice has limits.
B. I blame it on the gay pagan abortionists at the ACLU.
C. I blame it on Jerry Falwell.
D. That’s a code? I thought it was just a funny name.
|
24 September 2001
|
What is the correct commentary on the following saying?
“The price of infinite justice is infinite patience.”
A. That and lots of cash.
B. On Earth as it is in Heaven.
C. The price of enough justice is enough bullets.
D. What’s in a name? “New York” doesn’t make sense either.
|
28 September 2001
|
We can’t call it a war unless we have ration cards. What
do you think should be rationed?
A. Repeated news stories with the same information.
B. Flags.
C. Lack of flags.
D. The time on Earth of all terrorists.
E. All of the above.
|
10 November 2001
|
Spintronics is:
A. How modern washing machines work.
B. A branch of public relations.
C. Some geek thing that I’ll never understand.
D. All of the above.
|
12 December 2001
|
At least since Watergate, the English language has desperately
needed a short word meaning “unindicted co-conspirator”.
What is your suggestion?
A. Ucc!
B. Escapee.
C. Winner.
D. Everyman.
|
28 December 2001
|
Are you totally in control, or is your lifestyle kind of, like, sloppy?
A. When I become omniscient, you’ll be the second to know.
B. I’m warning you! No traipsing!
C. I worry that “coniferous” sounds like “carnivorous”.
D. Swarming snow-frogs devoured my flying saucer collection!
|
13 January 2002
|
Fame is (check one or more):
A. An opportunity from which only the unprepared profit.
B. A disaster from which only the lucky recover.
C. Best left to the famous.
D. Wasted on the famous.
E. Best left to the dead.
F. The only thing I really want.
|
22 January 2002
|
A volcanic eruption is an ecological catastrophe, and a touch of
climate cooling can’t make up for that. Oh yeah, and sometimes
it destroys cities, too. What solution do you think will be
implemented first?
A. We’ll convert volcanoes to geothermal power plants, sucking
away all their heat so they can’t erupt.
B. That won’t work. We’ll send the hot lava through turbines
to generate electricity, and use the electricity to run giant
air conditioners—with filters to catch the dust and poison gas.
C. Too complicated! We’ll capture the hot volcanic gasses
in great balloons. When each balloon is full, we’ll release it
to float down the jet stream until it cools and lands at a chemical
plant for processing. Wanna ride?
D. If the volcano’s going to trash the territory anyway,
why not put the wasteland to a good use, like mall parking?
|
3 February 2002
|
Admitting that you have a problem is the first step toward:
A. Hiding it perfectly.
B. Inflicting it on others.
C. Getting insurance to cover it.
|
17 February 2002
|
Which saying best describes your family?
A. Families who slay together, stay together.
B. Families who sleep together, keep together.
C. Families that have a heart stay apart.
|
14 March 2002
|
What do you want your last words to be?
A. Disclaimer. The views expressed in my life do not necessarily
reflect reflection.
B. It’s only the end of the world, it’s not like it’s Armageddon.
C. And in conclusion, I would like to add, though I am obliged to
take this lying down, I promise to always maintain my proximity
to the geological terrain.
D. I don’t know what’s next, but the Firth of Forth is fifth.
|
22 March 2002
|
The crosswalk was once a target zone, but under the modern
zero-tolerance policy for safety hazards, it is merely a known
danger area which pedestrians avoid. What do you think the
solution will be for pointy umbrella spokes, which many people
hold up at eye level?
A. All streets will be covered.
B. Safety goggles for all.
C. Paperwork for clouds before they are allowed to rain.
D. Security will keep pedestrians safely spaced 500 meters apart.
|
9 April 2002
|
Life is:
A. Improv with a talented acting crew.
B. The only viable alternative.
C. A pile of junk from other people’s attics, that you have
to make something of.
D. I don’t know, I haven’t gotten one yet.
|
25 April 2002
|
Of All Sad Words
What do you want to say to the people of France?
A. By world standards, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Austria had Joerg Haider, the U.S. had Ross Perot, and even
Yugoslavia had Milosevic.
B. How could you fail to elect someone who’s so plainly
the epitome of self-centered French culture?
C. Le Pen is mightier than the bored.
|
2 May 2002
|
The unfolding divine comedy of the Middle East, an epic of
tragic proportions, will someday come to an end, as all
things must. How will it turn out?
A. When everybody gets nuclear weapons, they’ll have
a standoff, like in the Cold War.
B. When everybody gets nuclear weapons, they’ll glassify
the place.
|
14 May 2002
|
How does President Bush, the free trader, rationalize signing
the giant farm subsidy bill?
A. This is a free trade, money for votes.
B. Well, it’s almost free—only $160,000,000,000.
C. OK, the cost in international political capital is
rather steep, but it’s worthwhile if we can restore the budget
deficit. Then there’ll always be a scapegoat.
D. What giant bill? He never believed that beanstalk story.
|
21 May 2002
|
Many “100% natural” products come in plastic bags, which were
after all made from naturally-occurring oil. What should
“100% natural” mean?
A. Composed entirely of natural elementary particles.
B. Composed entirely of stuff found lying around.
C. Not too icky.
D. Made in a well-scrubbed factory.
|
4 June 2002
|
How do you feel about the great outdoors?
A. “Outdoors?” Does that mean outside my tent?
B. I can take it or leave it, which is good because when I don’t
leave it I have to take it.
C. The outdoors is fine in its place, but it has too much weather.
D. I only leave my coffin at night.
|
12 June 2002
|
It takes two to speak the truth—one to speak, and the other
to:
A. Ignore it.
B. Disbelieve it.
C. Offer an alternative theory with invisible flying saucers.
|
21 June 2002
|
Do you keep your yard neat?
A. Want to shoot some pool on it?
B. I can’t decide, weed killer and fertilizer or green paint?
C. Greedy oil companies would pay good money to destroy this
bastion of wilderness.
|
23 June 2002
|
Amtrak is threatening to shut down unless they immediately get
$200,000,000 from the government. What do you think?
A. Where I come from, we have a word for this: “Huhwhazzat?”
B. I’ll believe it when I’m stranded in East Dubuque.
C. As long as there’s trouble with the trains, we’re safe from
fascism.
D. Go with me, instead. I only want $200,000 to keep operating.
|
26 July 2002
|
What’s your favorite old pop song?
A. Hey fellow tangerine fan, save out one for me.
B. I can think clearly now, my brain is on.
I can think of all possible roundelays.
C. Here comes the pun.
Here comes the pun, and I say:
It’s awry.
|
10 August 2002
|
The only thing that keeps me going is:
A. Nothing. I’m staying.
B. Stamina.
C. Inability to stay put.
D. Gasoline—at least, that’s what it looks like in the glass.
|
16 August 2002
|
What do you eat?
A. Only milk and honey, and only when it’s freely volunteered.
B. I eat a balanced diet including all four major chocolate groups.
C. Whatever. Want a beer?
D. I’m a cannibal, but it’s OK. I only eat Vegans.
|
21 August 2002
|
What do you think is the greatest mystery?
A. I can understand Athena springing from Zeus’s brow,
but where did the palace come from?
B. I don’t get these partial differential equations. How’m I
supposed to solve it if they don’t even give me the whole equation?
C. Never get involved in a land war in Asia. Why did nobody
tell that to Sun Tzu?
D. What is this Crimea river that people sing about?
|
5 September 2002
|
The rumors of my death are exaggerated, but:
A. Not nearly as much as they should be.
B. Don’t tell my insurance company.
C. A simple revision of the date will correct them.
D. It’s true what they say about God and Nietzsche.
|
9 September 2002
|
What are your plans for the future?
A. There is no future. The present lasts forever.
B. There is no future. Pollution and global warming are the end.
C. There is no future. The heat death of the universe is the end.
D. There is no future. The school year has started.
|
19 October 2002
|
Is it the rising sun or the rising wind? What will become of
North Korea?
A. Admitting the kidnappings and nuclear program shows that
North Korea is making excellent progress with its 12-step program
at Despots Anonymous.
B. Yes, they’re nearly ready to start thinking about whether
to begin step 1.
C. They can get away with admitting stuff like this! Aaaaaah!
We’re all going to die!
|
5 November 2002
|
Why is school furniture so uncomfortable?
A. It was state-of-the-art when bought in 1894.
B. To save money so that the adminstrators can be paid more.
C. To keep the kids awake in class.
D. It has to be strong enough to shelter under when the
poorly-constructed building collapses in an earthquake.
|
19 November 2002
|
What message was Saddam Hussein really sending by accepting
the UN arms inspection resolution?
A. Dude, I’m trying to be ironic here. Don’t, like,
harsh on my vibes, ‘kay?
B. “Mommy mommy look! The nice man gave me mu... mu...
nice stuff!” “Munitions, dear.”
C. It is a far, far better place I go to than
I have ever ruled.
D. No, the escape plan is not quite finalized.
|
23 November 2002
|
How many of those who claim to have been abducted by aliens are
telling the truth?
A. All of them. Nobody would lie about something so important
to national security and the National Enquirer.
B. There are always a few bad apples who’ll fib to cause trouble
for us real abductees.
C. Only the ones who escaped before being subjected to the
mind control ray.
D. They’re all delusional. That’s what the mind control ray does.
|
1 December 2002
|
Today my commuter train rolled ever so slowly past a station with
waiting passengers, continued at the same speed for a mile or so
over a trestle, then stopped. After a while the train backed up
past the trestle, stopped again, then backed up to the station to
let the people on. My ten-minute train ride took half an hour.
How do you explain this mystery?
A. They were testing whether the official explanation,
“slippery rails”, would cause riots.
B. The brakes don’t work, and they don’t care. Wear your
safety goggles.
C. Shh! Secret project! The less you know, the better.
D. There was a glitch in the time machine. But don’t worry,
the space-time continuum is all patched up now.
|
9 December 2002
|
Where are the space aliens?
A. All life is on Earth, the center of the universe. MWAHAHAHA!
B. They love us, but they don’t want to risk our friendship by
admitting their existence.
C. There’s a sign on Pluto saying “WILD ANIMALS DO NOT FEED”.
D. On Jerry Springer, duh.
E. Who do you think runs your country?
|
21 December 2002
|
What field has the scariest jargon?
A. Computer programming. “But spinning on the atomic lock
will saturate the bus.”
B. Quantum physics. “Massless quarks show four spin-zero
condensates, due to chirality and helicity.”
C. Public relations. “We can spin the damage control as
proactive image repair.”
|
8 January 2003
|
You can’t ___ all of the people all of the time.
A. School.
B. Rule.
C. Carpool.
|
11 January 2003
|
The seemingly-random “serving size” on the labels of packaged food,
which controls whether you are eating too much fat or not
enough niacin, is determined by:
A. A committee of government scientists who throw darts.
B. A committee of highly-paid marketers who throw darts.
C. An exacting corporate cost-benefit analysis, used as a
dartboard.
D. Quantum fluctuations.
|
23 March 2003
|
Are you shocked and awed?
A. Yes, that such vast destruction can be considered constructive.
B. Yes, that they’re using language like “shock and awe,” as
if winning the war were more important than winning over public opinion.
C. No, dammit, I wanna see the big kaboomies myself.
D. Yes, I mean what? I can’t hear you.
|
2 April 2003
|
Are you selfish or altruistic?
A. Altruistic. I’m going to stop this destructive war.
Every war I’ve protested has eventually ended, so if I keep it
up long enough we’ll have world peace.
B. Altruistic. I support improving the world by eliminating
Saddam, who has killed more Iraqis than the West ever will. If
we just fight enough wars, we’ll have world freedom.
C. Altruistic. I’m going to invent a time machine and
use it to skip my birthday every year so that I never get older.
The world needs me forever.
|
11 May 2003
|
What scale do you operate on?
A. I am one with the All, and all with the One.
B. Always keep your eyes on the big picture, because the
bigger the picture, the better the art critique.
C. It is enough to take one day at a time. Heck, in traffic
it’s enough to take one block at a time.
D. Oooh, shiny!
|
29 May 2003
|
What does GAAP mean, if not Generally Accepted Accounting Principles?
A. Greed, Avarice, and Appetite Principles.
B. If they can get away with it, so can we.
C. Gap between Assurance and Actual Practice.
D. The capitalization and extra A imply that the gap
is large.
|
20 June 2003
|
What do big property developers really do in their long
closed-door meetings?
A. They sing:
99 species of frog in the bog,
99 species of frog.
Stomp one flat as a welcome mat,
98 species of frog in the bog.
B. They celebrate their great successes:
“And with only those twelve cartons of documentation, I was granted
the permit!” “That’s nice, but did I ever tell you how I got
financing for the Swampworks project?”
|
7 August 2003
|
What did I do wrong to live on a planet where the inhabitants
are so dumb that spammers make money?
A. Earthlings must have been mass murderers in their previous lives.
B. Then why aren’t you a spammer?
C. Do you know a better planet, bright spark?
D. It’s not your fault. You were sucked in by the gravity
of all the other losers.
|
14 October 2003
|
Which do you trust more, your corrupt national government or
your corrupt city government?
A. The national government is evenhanded; they cheat
everyone equally.
B. Let the feds clean up my city first; then they can
clean out my fellow citizens.
C. Decentralized government is better because you can
move away if your part goes rotten.
D. I’m not moving until they both go away.
|
25 October 2003
|
Diebold, a company making fancy electronic replacements for
unreliable old voting machines, is struggling to suppress
leaked memos showing that the electronic machines are unreliable
and insecure too—even though everyone who was paying attention
already knew. What will happen?
A. They should take the company name seriously, and
face the end bravely.
B. Hmm, one cat is out, but the bag is still moving.
C. Eh, they’ll have no problem suppressing the—mrphggg!
|
17 December 2003
|
There is no good luck, only:
A. Bad luck for my enemies.
B. Good opportunity.
C. Falling asteroids.
|
20 December 2003
|
What do you think of the record-breaking flight of SpaceShipOne?
A. Beech already made the Starship, I dunno why a space ship
should be hard.
B. Cute publicity stunt, but Spenser Tunick is more fun.
C. Good news! The future is beginning any time now!
D. Who do I kill to get to fly it?
|
11 March 2004
|
Thousands of French science bosses have resigned in protest
over government policies. What do you think?
A. They’re principled. All public servants should resign.
B. At least they have government policies.
C. I’m moving. Always wanted to be a frog boffin.
D. France still has science? I thought they were going
for wine and cheese.
|
24 March 2004
|
“Highway of WIMPs could be smoking gun for dark matter.”
What do you think?
A. Man, psychedelic!
B. I think somebody missed a critical period for
language development.
C. Yeah yeah, the vodka is good but the meat is rotten.
D. I already know about the beltway.
|
2 April 2004
|
Given a choice between two theories, accept the one which:
A. Explains more about its adherents.
B. Is simpler to sell.
C. Has cooler buzzwords.
D. Offers plausible deniability.
|
16 April 2004
|
I have a task so difficult that:
A. I procrastinate on it by doing my taxes.
B. I’ve decided to build a robot to do it for me.
C. I’m sorry, I’ve blocked that information from my mind.
D. It might take a few weeks, according to my manager.
|
5 June 2004
|
Sit by the river long enough, and you will see the body
of your enemy float by.
A. Provided you have planned ahead well.
B. Because eventually you start to hallucinate.
C. If your enemy is also sitting by the river,
make sure you are downstream.
|
15 June 2004
|
Life is a multiple-choice quiz with the same question
over and over. The answer is:
A. I know what to do now.
B. I don’t know what to do now, but I can fake it.
C. None of the above.
D. None of the above, either.
|
6 July 2004
|
Engineers know: Monsters are hiding beneath the noise floor,
and gremlins lurk just beyond the Nyquist limit, lying in
ambush for unwary signals. What do you conclude?
A. We’d better learn how to be quiet, or we’ll become
monsters too.
B. Stare too long into Nietzsche and you forget how
to shut up.
C. Use telescopic sights when hunting gremlins.
D. Decisions are meaningless. Let’s go to Burning Man!
|
26 July 2004
|
Which is the closest match to your worldview?
A. The struggle is not to the swift, nor the race to the
finish line, but what was the question again?
B. Life is a contest, dedication versus futility.
C. No time. Ask my agent.
D. All of the above.
|
9 August 2004
|
What is the best revenge?
A. Living well; use their money.
B. Living longer; use their knife.
C. Avoid revenge, win the first time.
D. Not caring; get used to it.
|
28 September 2004
|
With great power comes great responsibility, but—
A. It may drive you up a wall.
B. Face powder does not help you face responsibility.
C. It doesn’t come from the same socket.
D. Only the victims care.
|
24 October 2004
|
Flu vaccine—the deadly shortage! Only enough exists to protect
those who are at risk!! What will you do???
A. Guess I’ll just suffer and die along with the rest of
humanity. Been nice knowin’ ya!
B. Lie, cheat, and steal—the usual.
C. Switch newspapers again.
|
4 November 2004
|
What is your reaction to the Bush election win?
A. I face a difficult choice, emigration or suicide?
B. Yay! The forces of good can still protect America!
C. Yay! The forces of good can now defeat America!
D. Alas, the level of polarization still falls short of
civil war. Where’s my revolution?
|
15 December 2004
|
This is a free country:
A. That’ll be $9.95. Thank you for shopping at Propaganda
Warehouse.
B. You can dream anything you want, outside working hours.
C. Yes, compared to most places with a government.
D. Go ahead and take it. Please!
|
30 December 2004
|
What are you doing to help the victims of the great tsunami?
A. The what?
B. I’m making snide jokes about it.
C. $5 will do some good. Or maybe I should knit a sweater.
D. I am currently out of the country. Please leave your
number, and I’ll get back to you when I have ensured world peace
and prosperity. *beep*
|
14 February 2005
|
How do you feel about Valentine’s Day?
A. It’s an ancient tradition honed through the ages for
the sole purpose of making me feel even more lonely.
B. It’s a day of atonement for all the sins I failed to
commit in the past year.
C. Maybe I’ll be able to make up for forgetting the
anniversary. Again.
D. Mmmmmmmmmm, no comment.
|
17 February 2005
|
Be not the first by whom the new is tried:
A. Wait until it’s fully cut-and-dried.
B. Hold off till you’re sure that no one died.
C. But claim you were and write the field guide.
D. We can all try at once and not collide.
|
3 April 2005
|
Any X you can walk away from is a good one.
A. Black hole.
B. Party.
C. Marriage.
D. Life.
|
8 April 2005
|
Was Shakespeare right?
A.Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more shady and more indolent.
B.Summer’s lease, yeah, we went out once and it was great,
the date was definitely too short. But I don’t think there’s a
long-term future in the relationship. We can’t meet again
until next year.
|
27 April 2005
|
The reward for a thing well done is:
A. To be assigned tougher tasks until you can’t do them.
B. To have gotten out from under it.
C. Same as anything done, the bragging rights.
D. Pfff, like I would know.
|
6 May 2005
|
Violence doesn’t solve everything.
A. Only things it’s applied to.
B. For example, it missed Fermat’s Last Theorem.
C. Violence can’t solve the problem of violence.
D. But it solves everything that matters.
|
11 May 2005
|
I’ll give you a piece of my mind!
A. Thanks, I already have peace of mind.
B. I’m not worried. The steel trap has already closed.
C. Good, then I’ll have a matching set.
D. Mmmm! Cotton candy!
|
20 July 2005
|
What’s the most ridiculous thing?
A. There is nothing as ridiculous as everything else.
B. Fiddler on a Hot Tin Roof.
C. The Society to Cure Hooligans of Overeating, Oversleeping,
Laughing, Mendacity, Assault, Rape and Murder (SCHOOLMARM).
D. John Denver, or as the French say, Jean D’Enfer.
E. A man, a plan, a canal—root!
F. Vlad the Inhaler.
G. International diplomacy.
|
25 August 2005
|
Are you worried about high oil prices?
A. Oh, how dreadful! I should send George around with
the second limo to help the poor people.
B. The underground Strategic Reserve will last a long
time. I add to it whenever I change the oil in my car.
C. We’ll have to switch to renewable resources, and
put all the toddlers on treadmills.
D. My earlier predictions of the end of civilization
were premature, but this one is right.
|
9 September 2005
|
President Bush will personally lead the investigation into
the federal response to hurricane Katrina. Good idea?
A. With the fox on guard, I’m sure no hens will escape.
B. As son of the Education President, Bush’s wide-ranging
knowlitch makes him perfeckly sooted.
C. No, we need an independent investigation—here’s mine.
|
17 September 2005
|
How do you want your mortal remains disposed of?
A. Bury me in a t-shirt that says “Just Resting”.
B. Shoot my ashes into the sun. I’ll finally be a star.
C. Forget it. My remains are immortal, just like me.
D. My new host body will feed on the old one.
|
26 September 2005
|
My superpower is looking up information that I want to know,
a feat seemingly impossible for ordinary humans. What is yours?
A. I thought there was only one superpower now.
B. Sleeping late.
C. Watching seven TV shows at once.
D. I don’t have time for this now! Call again when
the kids go to college!
|
30 September 2005
|
What is your attitude toward risk?
A. If you are flying, don’t be afraid to fall. If you are
falling, don’t be afraid to fly. To live life is to balance on the
edge of a knife which has been thrown at no particular target.
B. Insurance had better cover this.
|
19 October December 2005
|
Bird flu.
A. Meh. Hyped disasters don’t happen.
B. They tell us to worry. I’m not worrying until they start
telling us what to do.
C. TV coverage has been dull so far, but it’ll be exciting
if we get a real pandemic.
D. The last doctor’s last words will be “Told you so!”
|
11 January 2006
|
How far ahead do you plan?
A. I don’t even plan as far ahead as the next word that
I’m thinking of being going to say or whatever.
B. I’ll get back to you on that.
C. Almost far enough to avoid quizzes.
D. Give me a minute to look that up in my book.
|
15 January 2006
|
Iran is going to make nukes, and all the talk in the world
won’t stop it. So why the jabber?
A. Half of diplomacy is pretending that you do not know
what is happening, and the other half is really not knowing.
B. We have to show the next nations in line that if they
get nuclear ambitions, they’ll have to face jabber too.
C. Pff! The posh old nuclear club has gone shabby!
|
19 January 2006
|
Would you leave Earth behind?
A. Yes. Don’t put all your baskets on one egg.
B. Yes, the Earth is not big enough for everyone I want to
bury there.
C. No, somebody has to stay behind to laugh.
|
16 February 2006
|
Are you a morning person?
A. It’s afternoon now, I can’t answer hard questions
this late in the day.
B. Morning is OK, especially the part before I get up.
C. Mm perfelly fun uffer vadmy—ah, coffee!
D. By Murphy’s Law, day breaks because it can.
|
12 April 2006
|
Silvio Berlusconi narrowly lost the election in Italy.
What does it mean?
A. South Korea’s Roh Moo Hyun moves up to become the
second-worst elected leader in the free world.
B. Meh. Depends on how many times they recount.
C. It’s big. Italy kicks Sicily a lot harder than
Florida kicks Cuba.
|
22 April 2006
|
How do you tell when you are in a successful relationship?
A. When the things one can’t stand are disjoint from the
things the other demands.
B. When I’m as pure as the snow that has been driven on.
C. When I’m as happy as a clam at a clambake.
D. Theory predicts that such an event may be possible.
|
23 April 2006
|
What will you be doing when the world is destroyed?
A. Remembering my long, happy life.
B. Wondering whether there will ever again be a show
as good as Seinfeld.
C. Watching from Saturn, like all sensible people.
D. Removing my finger from the button.
|
16 May 2006
|
What are your questions about this NSA business?
A. Can we go back to Angelina Jolie now?
B. What’s the difference between a bug and a feature?
C. How many more layers to the onion?
D. Where can I get a TEMPEST-certified laptop?
|
24 May 2006
|
How will the Veterans Administration defend itself, after
allowing personal information about tens of millions of people
to be stolen?
A. The possibility of defense does not exist. We only
attack!
B. The military is unfamiliar with this “encryption”
that you mention.
C. Meh. The NSA already has it anyway.
D. All non-bureaucrats look alike to me.
|
3 June 2006
|
Lies, damned lies, and:
A. Official documents... like, say, search warrants.
B. Ethics Committees.
C. Constitutionality arguments.
D. Fiscal stability.
|
24 June 2006
|
Phone calls, phone records, and now international financial
transactions. What else do you think they are spying on?
A. My scanning tunnelling adult supervision microscope
is not picking up anything.
B. There was no camera in my bathroom yesterday, but let
me check again.
C. Yeah, they sent me a reminder to change my oil.
D. Given that they’re probably listening in right now,
I’m pretty sure that’s everything.
|
3 July 2006
|
What’s the best reason to colonize space?
A. It’s better than shooting at each other.
B. We’ll be safer, because mad scientists only want
to take over the Earth.
C. To give the sane people a place to escape to.
D. A war restricted to one planet is not as much fun.
|
6 July 2006
|
How do you feel about the North Korean missile launches?
A. How many more excuses do we need before we can
start the bombing?
B. We’re all furious! We’re going to—going to—going
to talk about it some more!
C. It’s overkill. Kenneth Lay died on his own.
D. Whatever. Moral fiber is for breakfast cereal.
|
30 July 2006
|
Tomorrow is rumored to be another day. Do you believe it?
A. I don’t think it’s a day at all. I’ve never seen it.
B. I’ll believe it when they convince me there’s such
a thing as modern paleontology.
C. My calendar says it is—so probably not.
D. With how much I have to do, I hope it’s several days.
|
15 August 2006
|
Are you lazy?
A. Eh.
B. Nah, not when it counts. The disaster is still over
five minutes away.
C. Hard work is the only way to do good in the world, and
since no good deed goes unpunished I’ve always known better.
D. I’m gonna have to hand that one off to my micromanagement
consultant.
|
7 September 2006
|
How do you feel about making school kids wear uniforms?
A. Aw, they look so cute, like mindless little clones.
B. Transparency is critical. With uniforms, everyone
understands that the real issue is control.
C. There is no better training for a valuable life
as a corporate drone.
D. Please pardon our appearance. We are under instruction.
|
18 September 2006
|
Quantum randomness is constantly injecting new information
into the universe. What happens to the old information?
A. It stays. That’s why the universe must expand.
B. The positions of socks and other small objects
become increasingly uncertain.
C. Spammers have to get their messages from somewhere.
D. I... don’t remember.
|
10 October 2006
|
What do you think about North Korea’s claimed nuclear test?
A. I can’t figure out whether they faked it incompetently,
or actually did it incompetently.
B. They’re planning to deliver this bomb how? With the
missiles that don’t work?
C. Surprise increase in threat level, exactly as
predicted.
D. Arright! Finally! The excuse for action!
|
16 October 2006
|
Hidden assumptions control your worldview. Creativity comes
when you manage to ignore an assumption briefly. Even
language, which seems so rich, is nearly empty without
unconscious pramatics behind it.
A. Isn’t that beside the point?
B. Nice story, but too short. Next!
C. Whatever. It’s safer than being a journalist in Russia.
D. Sartre was an optimist.
|
28 October 2006
|
Veep Cheney on a radio show agreed that “a dunk in water”
is a “no-brainer” treatment for terrorism suspects, openly
approving an infamous torture method. What’s up with this
slime?
A. It is the result of having no brain.
B. It was only radio. He had no idea anybody
might be listening in.
C. What a kidder. He’s joking when he says “We
don’t torture.”
D. “Robust interrogation”? He’s not good enough at
minimizing it. Maybe “We don’t torture, we ask firmly”?
|
5 November 2006
|
Are you aware of the beauty around you?
A. How beautiful can it be
If it isn’t on TV?
B. I wish I’d taken Esthetics 101 in college.
C. Sure. A green light is pretty, and pedestrians who
obey it are beautiful.
D. Naw, in this weather everyone covers up.
|
24 December 2006
|
What do you think they teach in leadership class—sorry,
I mean in the leadership training initiative program
group thingy.
A. Follow me!
B. Don’t do what I do, do what I say.
C. Today, you’re in charge. (Ah, this is relaxing.)
|
27 January 2007
|
What are your plans for when the world ends?
A. I guess I’ll just expand through space as a cloud
of incandescent vapor or something.
B. Is that today? You know I can’t keep track.
C. Party! Party! Party! Just like every day!
D. Oh no, I’m not saying until I have you helpless in my lair.
|
18 March 2007
|
Whatever the temperature, revenge is:
A. A dish best reserved.
B. A wishful hors d’oeuvre.
C. A kettle of fish.
|
7 April 2007
|
When you are captured by Iran and forced to confess (it
happens to everyone eventually), what crimes will you
admit to?
A. Unquestioning acceptance of the word “semisimple”.
B. Deliberately crossing into foreign philosophical
territory.
C. I was born lacking hatred of the Great Satan in my
heart, and had to learn it later.
D. Sorry, I gave at the Catholic church.
|
1 May 2007
|
The most important thing is to keep a diary, because:
A. Why live if you can’t remember everything?
B. Why live if you don’t record it for others?
C. Why live if Big Brother doesn’t get a chance to
replace the speck of dust?
|
25 June 2007
|
If you’re such a great critic, why do you hate everything?
A. It’s not criticism if it’s favorable.
B. I don’t hate everything. Hypothetically, a work could rise to my level.
C. Hulk smash!
|
22 August 2007
|
What is your approach to creativity?
A. If I labor and push hard enough, a baby will come out.
B. To get good ideas, have lots of ideas. To get great ideas,
have lots of good ideas.
C. To get bad ideas, pick one idea and hold to it no matter what.
D. Plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize!
|
27 September 2007
|
According to the mood of the times, to rejoice is:
A. To read Finnegans Wake for the second time.
B. To be happy that you aren’t dead yet.
C. Some stupid vocabulary test word.
D. To believe, due to hubris, that this time you’ve finally
got it down; you have the knowledge, you have the power, and
your policies will prevail.
|
8 October 2007
|
What tragic flaw will lead to your ultimate downfall?
A. I don’t know I don’t know—impatience! What is it
what is it?
B. Aging will bring me down in the end.
C. My greatness will make others jealous.
D. I’m sure I don’t have a tragic flaw.
|
22 December 2007
|
When you get three wishes, what will the first one be?
A. To know what to do.
B. Money! No—power! No—powerful money!
C. World peace. The second will be to bring everybody
back to life.
D. That nobody else gets any wishes.
|
29 December 2007
|
What is the best replacement for the obsolete word “footage”?
A. Micrometerage.
B. Computer file.
C. First-mover advantage.
D. Original copyright-protected intellectual property.
|
4 February 2008
|
Many industrialized nations have birthrates below the replacement level, and have adopted policies to encourage children.
A. Good, children need all the encouragement they can get.
B. Yeah, the next generation has to be big enough to pay for the mess we made.
C. Why bother? China already won the population race.
D. Don’t you think your demographics are trying to tell you something?
|
12 February 2008
|
What is your definition of “debatable”?
A. Doesn’t matter. What do you want it to be?
B. Suitable for debate—that is, meaningless.
C. Expressible.
D. I have a problem with your question.
|
24 February 2008
|
Dinosaurs polished their scales until they eventually became
feathers. What will the end result be as we humans polish
our hair?
A. It’s totally different. Dinosaurs didn’t have to
choose among thousands of different hair care products.
B. Male pattern baldness can save the species.
C. We will eventually evolve into poodles.
D. After that, like birds, we’ll be able to survive the asteroid strike.
|
7 March 2008
|
Do you like good news/bad news jokes?
A. The bad news is that I already know all the good ones.
B. The good news is that you haven’t offered to tell any.
C. I use the newspaper’s culture section and front section.
D. They are pure bad news.
|
19 March 2008
|
The world needs a better user interface.
A. It should accept voice commands, like “abracadabra”.
B. All these little atoms should have handles so we can
put them in the right place.
C. We’ll call it “real virtuality”.
D. No, it needs better documentation.
|
23 March 2008
|
Which product description is more enticing?
A. “Non-toxic”
B. Anthrax-free!*
C. Illustration is for illustrative purposes only.
D. Now with nonfunctional glitz enhancers!
|
23 April 2008
|
What does “fair” mean to you?
A. Sunny. Or blond.
B. Unfair only to others.
C. Everybody gets a fair shake, upside down, and
contributes to my coin collection.
D. Everybody gets an AK-47.
|
1 May 2008
|
It’s said that people are showing an ever-greater sense of
entitlement, believing they deserve to be given things. What
do you think?
A. That’s right. Eventually all countries will be Sweden.
B. Whatever. As long as I get mine first.
C. The Government should Do Something About It.
D. Entitlement should be restricted to books.
|
24 May 2008
|
The Phoenix Mars lander project is run from the University
of Arizona—which is at Tuscon. How do you think real Phoenix residents feel about that?
A. About what, again?
B. We don’t sweat the little stuff. We have air conditioning.
C. How can you imagine a rivalry with those—hmmph—smalltowners?
D. Tuscon will not arise from its ashes!
|
18 June 2008
|
Any ____ that you can walk away from is a good one.
A. Security checkpoint.
B. Wheelchair.
C. Deadline.
D. Marriage.
|
27 June 2008
|
What’s the first item on your to-do list?
A. Start a to-do list.
B. Find another item on the list that can actually be accomplished.
C. Figure out who to push the next item off onto.
D. Being organized might interfere with my indecisiveness.
|
6 July 2008
|
What causes computer errors?
A. Use of computers.
B. Bill Gates. Now that he has retired, there will be no new errors.
C. Defective electrons. It’s impossible to manufacture so many identical particles.
D. The behavior is always correct; the error is in your expectation.
|
24 July 2008
|
If foam is a symbol of transience and rock is a symbol of permanence, then pumice is a symbol of:
A. The river ever flowing, the volcano ever blowing.
B. The permanence of scrubbing and the transience of cleanliness.
C. The non-bearing lightness of paradox.
|
1 August 2008
|
What is the role of chance in life?
A. I’m with Einstein: Chance is what you don’t know. If I can only join the NSA, I’ll be safe forever.
B. Determination beats nondeterminacy.
C. Every accident is an opportunity—sometimes an opportunity to suffer helplessly.
D. The light at the end of the quantum tunnel is an oncoming wave train.
|
6 September 2008
|
Information Overload Observation #192,382,975
Everything is relevant.
A. Nothing is important. Let me sleep in.
B. So if you don’t know everything, you are irrelevant.
C. But it still doesn’t come with an index.
D. That’s the kind of thinking that gave us astrology.
|
6 November 2008
|
When will the Obama disillusionment set in?
A. Never! This time it’s for real!
B. Never. The darkest hour of the next four years will seem bright after the last eight.
C. A new administration traditionally gets 100 days, right?
D. Never. Who expects anything?
|
5 February 2009
|
Whose fault is the financial crisis?
A. Ignorance is bliss, especially ignorance of the future.
B. Economics works perfectly, but we don’t understand it.
C. With great power comes great irresponsibility.
D. Not mine. Must be yours.
|
14 February 2009
|
What is your opinion on the U.S. economic stimulus bill?
A. A logical graduated response under the three-strikes
principle. Let’s see if we get a hit this time.
B. It’s magical, like a to-do list—the more you cross
off, the more is left.
C. “We suffer most, not when the White House is a peaceful dormitory,
but when it is a jitney Mars Hill.” — H.L. Mencken
D. Too much duct tape, not enough baling wire.
|
27 February 2009
|
The overall purpose of details is to:
A. Form the big picture.
B. Distract you from the big picture.
C. Ensure there is no big picture.
D. All of the above.
|
1 May 2009
|
How ambitious are you?
A. I have a dream.
B. I have my druthers.
C. I have a drink.
|
17 May 2009
|
The difference between an amateur and a professional is:
A. Oh, usually experience, training, and skill.
B. The amateur, as we all know, is but a mere dabbler, whereas the professional dabbles for a living.
C. As you can tell from the words, the professional
doesn’t care.
D. Taxes.
|
25 May 2009
|
Sartre said “Hell is other people.” What do you think?
A. Joy is other people.
B. Uzbekistan is other people.
C. Power is other people.
D. Lunch is other people.
|
16 June 2009
|
Which sign would you hold up?
A. Will Farm for Food
B. Will Shop for Food
C. Will Garden for Flowers
D. Will Get Up to Check the Fridge, But Only If Nobody Else Will Do It For Me
|
28 July 2009
|
The difference between Alexander the Great and Ivan the Terrible is:
A. Vast; that’s what you get for winning wars.
B. Substantial, because public relations is everything.
C. Slight. The nicknames originally meant the same, but the words drifted over time.
D. Insufficient.
|
3 September 2009
|
Which action item do you need on your to-do list?
A. Priority one crash program: Realize that nothing
is that important.
B. Get around to it eventually: Take life seriously.
|
11 September 2009
|
A mind like a steel trap!
A. Oops, this one caught a wandering ideology.
B. That’s why so many former friends have gnawed off
their own legs.
C. Firm and clear? A mind like a glass brick!
D. I prefer a refrigerator like a steel trap.
|
30 October 2009
|
Choose the right motto to support genetic engineering.
A. This is not your father’s Y chromosome.
B. Change we can believe in.
C. Choose your celebrity son/daughter from this list: ...
D. Clone army, attack!
|
18 November 2009
|
I always concentrate on what’s important, namely:
A. Spontaneity.
B. Delegating the work of figuring out what’s important.
C. Crushing the souls of my enemies.
D. That information is on a need-to-know basis.
|
24 December 2009
|
Because of “the wrong kind of snow,” six Eurostar trains got
stuck in the Chunnel—yeah, right! What was the real result of the wrong kind of snow?
A. Wasn’t this paperweight supposed to do something
when you shake it?
B. Oh no, my life’s work! The calibration of the ice
core measurements is all wrong!
C. At this rate you’ll never speak like an Eskimo.
D. I’m not paying $1000 for that!
|
23 January 2010
|
Choose Your Opposing Viewpoint
Tape your thumbs down and live by your fingers. Now, those of
you who starve to death may keep your opinions to yourselves,
but for the rest I have a question: Can you get by? Sure,
strangling your arch-enemy is a little awkward, but did anything
essential become impossible? Of course not! The opposable thumb
is only an optimization, not a prerequisite. What actually
enables technological society is the:
A. Posable tongue.
B. Composable sum.
C. Opposable philosophy.
|
18 February 2010
|
The advantage of X is that it is better than any known
alternative. The single disadvantage is that it has yet to
be invented. X is:
A. Quantum gravity.
B. Functional reactive programming.
C. Democracy.
D. Modesty, moderation, hard work, peace, morality,
justice, charity, freedom, truth, love, ....
|
4 March 2010
|
Which answer best characterizes your self-confidence?
I never make a mistake, but:
A. I may be wrong about that.
B. I have people to do it for me.
C. My correct actions are still not always successful.
D. Sometimes reality breaks down.
|
19 March 2010
|
Interests: Fluff. Shows occasional interest in substance, but only for its fluff value.
Favorite Color: Ooh, shiny!
Quote: “The following story is true. Only the facts have been changed.”
Who fits this personality profile?
A. James Cameron.
B. Kim Jong Il.
C. David Postings.
D. Everyone.
|
16 April 2010
|
Mammon, Morality, Maestros and Mimes
What’s your excuse?
A. It’s infeasible without government aid.
B. A magnet was disturbing my moral compass.
C. To do it right is uncivilized. Civilization is about
getting experts to do your work.
D. I was trapped behind an invisible wall of stealth mimes.
|
29 April 2010
|
Scope creep is:
A. A variety of peeping Tom.
B. Everywhere.
C. Self-descriptive.
D. All of the above. And more!
|
18 May 2010
|
Are you organized?
A. I’ve never understood how that idea hangs together.
B. I’m systematic about avoiding any system.
C. Just a moment, I’ll check my notes.
D. Just a moment, I’ll check with my flunky.
|
2 June 2010
|
A danger is an opportunity.
A. Specifically, an opportunity to suffer.
B. Often, running away is also an opportunity.
C. Grasp the nettle, it will be fun!
D. The way out is through. Or is that backwards?
|
15 June 2010
|
“Do Not Open - No user serviceable parts inside” should be
A. Illegal. We must tinker!
B. Applied to society as a whole.
C. A tattoo.
D. On my refrigerator.
|
24 June 2010
|
North Korea, where lunch is a spectator sport, sent a team to the World Cup.
A. Sports should be free of politics, especially if
they give us money.
B. That should never have been allowed. I draw the
line at pure evil.
C. That should never have been allowed. I draw the
line at invisible cell phones.
D. But they lost. Now their families will never be
released.
|
28 June 2010
|
Four Names for the Same Thing
What is the number one problem humanity faces today?
A. Stupidity, against which even Steve Jobs contends
in vain.
B. Inability to identify our number one problems.
C. Shallow and short-term thinking.
D. Greed, cowardice, and inability to count.
|
11 July 2010
|
There is no consolation prize, but
A. I don’t care. Consolation is for losers.
B. I already have a game console anyway.
C. If the gods are impressed, maybe you’ll be made into a constellation prize.
D. Your kids may outlive you.
|
26 July 2010
|
According to traditional definitions, “ballistic” means out of control and “missile” means you usually miss. Only poor countries still use that kind. What’s a better name?
A. Furious Hittite.
B. Conoidal kablooeymaker.
C. Bawling missive, for those who believe in the
message-sending theory of warfare.
D. Hey, Lemme Launch the Next One.
|
14 August 2010
|
You’re about to die. What is your final thought?
A. Now the internet will never find out how smart I am.
B. But I still have library books out!
C. It’s OK, I’m biodegradable.
D. Woohoo! Once-in-a-lifetime experience!
|
23 September 2010
|
Money is a munition.
A. Oh, so the financial crisis was the depot going up.
B. Sir, for your own safety you can’t carry that credit card in here.
C. That must be why everybody wants to put export
controls on it.
D. So shoot me some more!
|
13 November 2010
|
When a computer remembers something that it ought to forget,
that’s called a “memory leak”. What do you think?
A. Isn’t that most of what I know?
B. You might be thirsty tomorrow, so it’s not really
a leak. Where’s the bucket?
C. That’s only a problem if your memory is limited,
and there’s always the internet.
D. Isn’t that most of what the NSA knows?
|
6 April 2011
|
Trust is like Rome:
A. Beautiful place, wish I could live there.
B. It is not built in a day.
C. Some roads lead there.
D. Only one of the parties survives to found it.
|
25 April 2011
|
Are you suffering from election problems such as sagging polls,
small turnout, or even premature adjudication? What went wrong?
A. Congratulations, your democracy is so successful
that people take it for granted.
B. You’re old and flabby. Try a revolutionary new
revolution!
C. You get what you deserve for reading your spam.
|
18 July 2011
|
Others do not realize the truth, but they’ll come to
understand it after I:
A. Blow up some professors. — Unabomber
B. Gas the subway. — Aum Shinrikyo
C. Destroy the credit of the government. — Republicans
D. Investigate the phone hacking. — Scotland Yard
|
15 August 2011
|
Life is too short for:
A. Bad decisions.
B. Figuring out what a good decision is.
C. Complaints about how short it is.
D. Inventing immortality.
|
4 October 2011
|
They say you can do anything if you try hard enough:
A. So I’m careful not to want to do anything.
B. So I decided to be the barber who shaves
everybody who doesn’t shave himself.
C. But it takes all my trying just to avoid
tripping over my own feet.
D. I guess I don’t try hard enough at trying
hard enough.
|
26 January 2012
|
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are
dreamt of in your philosophy.
A. Horatio sure was dumb.
B. That’s why I went with nihilism.
C. That’s why I went with solipsism.
D. Heck, there are more things for sale on eBay than are
dreamt of in my philosophy.
|
27 May 2012
|
Question 1.0.0rc1: Why do computer programs have such long
version numbers nowadays?
A. Would you prefer flat numbers like 123611?
B. Programmers favor subversion, those gits.
C. That’s not long. They only count published versions,
and if they counted all versions the number would take a page.
D. Oh, probably some useless geek desire to
overdistinguish, like giving serial numbers to grapes.
|
21 June 2012
|
Negative space is, like, what?
A. Big closets, not much stuff to put in them.
B. When negative space and positive space interact, they
annihilate and create interest.
C. That’s what what comic artists call “saving time on
the backgrounds”.
D. I’m drawing a blank.
|
14 July 2012
|
What is your personality type? “That was an embarrassing mistake,
but I can cope. All I have to do is:”
A. Never show my face in public again.
B. Pretend it didn’t happen.
C. Blame the victim.
D. Murder all witnesses.
|
18 August 2012
|
How do you continue this dialog?
you: I love you.
snuckums: I love you more.
A. Aw, I love you more.
B. Whatever you say, dearest.
C. Let’s arm wrestle for it!
D. Aw, I love you more, or else.
E. Great, what should I do with my leverage?
|
27 October 2012
|
I knew it! Just as I expected, I was
A. Right.
B. Wrong.
C. At sea.
D. Surprised.
E. Supported solely by degeneracy pressure, which depends on
density, not temperature.
|
15 November 2012
|
Personality test! Any gadget that’s worth building is worth:
A. Trying out.
B. Patenting.
C. Bragging about—I mean, marketing.
D. Selling to the rubes.
|
27 November 2012
|
O space age, where is thy omniscience? Surely when satellites oversee
the planet by camera and radar and there are depth maps across every
ocean basin, we know where the islands lie—but the recent news of
Sandy “Island” shows there are still mistakes. How can that be?
A. It’s because of the change from cartography to geographic
information systems.
B. It’s because we haven’t finished changing from cartography
to geographic information systems.
C. Ho hum, it’s the usual global conspiracy of [see global
conspiracy quiz].
D. The world is changing faster than ever.
|
29 December 2012
|
“The best way to predict the future is to invent it.” — Alan Kay
A. The best way to depict the future is to represent it.
B. The best way to afflict the future is to resent it.
C. The best way to contradict the future is to prevent it.
D. The best way to encrypt the future? We underwent it.
|
27 January 2013
|
Knowledge of Good and Evil
There are always going to be a few bad apples. The trick is:
A. Shaking them out of the tree.
B. Making applesauce at the right time.
C. Growing used to the taste.
D. Getting them installed at the top.
|
21 February 2013
|
Do you have a practical mind?
A. Rotate my tires? The point of tires is to rotate, why should
I have to do it for them?
B. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it may be a
recording of a duck-like object.
C. I’m writing an atlas of atlatlists.
D. Another skeleton, time to reorganize the closet.
|
6 March 2013
|
One year it’s an economic crisis, next it’s a political crisis, then
a military crisis, then it’s back to scare one.
A. Now that we know the sequence we can finally lay proper plans.
B. How repetitive. Can’t we have a fashion crisis for a change?
C. Liar. You can’t call it a crisis if it’s chronic.
D. I think we should have them all at once and get it over with.
|
13 May 2013
|
Mars One. Think they’ll make it to Mars?
A. A budget estimate and a schedule but no details? That is
called making stuff up.
B. I’ll gladly build hardware if they can pay.
C. Finally a chance to fail at something I truly care about!
D. Where do I sign? Mars can’t be worse than my neighborhood.
|
2 July 2013
|
Are you picky?
A. No, I am particular.
B. Nah, any two colors go together.
C. I tolerate poaching of neither deer nor eggs.
D. dark cloud’s of apostrophe’s follow wherever I’ go.
whats thi’s? i’s one mis’sing?
|
1 August 2013
|
In a certain town there’s a barber who shaves every man who doesn’t shave
himself. Does the barber shave himself?
A. Liar, there is no such barber.
B. He must (it doesn’t say that’s everyone he shaves).
C. It’s her own business whether she shaves herself.
D. A barber? Do those still exist?
E. Then he combs a hairy ball smooth.
|
2 October 2013
|
The right thing to do is often clear:
A. To other people.
B. In hindsight.
C. After a few generations of historical analysis.
D. Up until you do it.
|
25 October 2013
|
“Critical acclaim” means:
A. Acclaim that’s critical. “Wow, that’s bad.”
B. The acclaim of critical people. “It’s OK, I expected worse.”
C. The acclaim of critics. “Most fabulous commercial vehicle ever!!!”
|
19 November 2013
|
Everything you know is wrong.
A. Everything I “no” is wrong, everything I “yes” is right.
B. I see, all my justified true beliefs are immoral.
C. I used to think so, but I was wrong.
D. My only belief is that I believe at least one truth.
|
3 February 2014
|
Does the universe have a purpose?
A. Yes, it’s for me.
B. In some traditions yes, but they don’t seem to agree
on what it is.
C. Here’s the expansion, but I can’t find the cylinder and
the piston.
D. That’s unknowable in principle. Do you have a few days to
hear my full view?
|
29 July 2014
|
We are hovering on the edge of a precipice!
A. Good, we can hover, there’s no danger.
B. Good, we have a direction to go.
C. Good, the fall may finally wake us up.
D. Vacuuming, OK, but what’s a pressure-pits?
|
14 September 2014
|
Are you good at delegation?
A. And let other people make mistakes? Only I can do that!
B. Yes, only other people can take the blame.
C. Um, I’ll have to ask.
D. You! Delegate for me!
|
19 October 2014
|
What will the NSA say when we ask “Do you believe in Santa Claus?”
A. Not an American, so we have a complete dossier.
B. Well, somebody gives us goodies every budget cycle.
C. We do not comment on information we may or may not possess on
a topic about which you may or may not have asked.
D. We categorically deny all rumors of “Santa Claus”. Really now,
who would believe something so outlandish?
|
25 February 2015
|
Do you want lunch food product, or takeout with Chinese characteristics?
A. Is there a difference?
B. Capitalism is overloading us with empty alternatives. I’ll
pick randomly.
C. Oh, a choice between West and East. I want to mix and match.
|
22 March 2015
|
To be granted agency means:
A. You don’t have to pay it back.
B. You’re an agent, or in other words, they could catch you
any time and put you away.
C. The world gains bureaucracy.
D. The world gains bureaucracy, and it’s mine.
|
6 April 2015
|
Trust no one.
A. A best friend is practically a beast fiend.
B. Electron and positron: Opposites attract, and then BAM!
C. Authors kill their babies and the revolution eats them.
D. I don’t believe you.
|
12 May 2015
|
Earth in context.
A. A planet so large it can be seen from space.
B. If you want to see everything, expect to spend the rest of
your life there. But don’t neglect the rest of the universe!
C. A hick town where nobody has bothered to visit the next
planet over.
D. In the fullness of time we will cross the emptiness of space
and drink the half-glass of destiny.
|
4 July 2015
|
The Us Versus Them attitude is getting Us nowhere.
A. Steamroller Them!
B. Let’s make sure They don’t get anywhere either.
C. Obviously They will eventually see the light and join Us.
D. The attitude must change, at least Theirs.
|
22 July 2015
|
According to quantum mechanics, every poll is a push poll.
A. Yes.
B. Schroedinger’s Cat believes so.
C. Do you prefer your bread free and unencumbered, or all jammed up?
D. Probably.
|
1 August 2015
|
The authorities question you, asking accusingly “Have you ever
accepted a bull?” How will you defend yourself?
A. I have never accepted a bull.
B. That is not acceptable.
C. Aren’t you misreading the question?
D. I accept no bull.
|
10 September 2015
|
Did We Say “People”? Sorry
____ is our most important asset.
A. The public relations department.
B. Documentation.
C. All that information that our privacy policy sort of
implies that we’re collecting about you.
D. Money.
|
30 December 2015
|
What do you think of the candidates?
A. Objects appearing in the election are weirder than they appear.
And they appear pretty weird.
B. Are you a real ventriloquist, or are you only pretending not to
move your lips?
C. Some things in life are important, such as whether your paper
towels hang down in front or behind (only one way is correct). Multiple
choice is not important.
D. Still waters don’t run at all.
|
17 January 2016
|
The first step to recovery is:
A. Admitting that the world owes you something.
B. Not getting into that flat spin in the first place.
C. Health insurance.
D. Belief in reincarnation.
|
14 February 2016
|
Resistance is futile:
A. Which one, antibiotic resistance, air resistance, or
The Resistance?
B. You need capacitance too.
C. Thou shalt not irresist the resistible.
D. That’s silly. We have BorgWarner.
|
25 August 2016
|
Do you make your own decisions?
A. Yes, exactly as I am supposed to.
B. Please direct inquiries to my agent.
C. The voice in my head told me to stop listening, and now
I don’t know what to do.
|
4 September 2016
|
What do you see as the most fundamental truth?
A. There is no fundamental truth, except that there is no
fundamental truth, except....
B. What’s hot is cool, and what’s cool is hot.
C. Eh, who cares? Laziness wins?
D. Mmm, doughnuts!
|
3 October 2016
|
Parodies are not for those who cannot understand that parody is not
necessarily ridicule. — Carolyn Wells
A. But only for those who stack negatives like blocks.
B. Paradise is made for those who understand.
C. We have here a classic example of a backward foreword.
D. What is already ridiculous need not be ridiculed—but it
won’t hurt.
E. Huhwhat?
|
22 November 2016
|
What’s your theory on Trump’s campaign promises?
A. Say enough contradictory stuff and it all cancels out.
B. Promise? What’s a promise?
C. Yesterday is water under the bridge.
|
13 January 2017
|
The Information Age is over. We now live in the Age of Disinformation.
A. Stop with your lies!
B. Eh, another opinion. Too many of those lately.
C. I guess Wikipedia will need new policies.
D. Oh good, now I can quit school.
|
4 February 2017
|
Who died and made you king?
A. So you admit that I am royalty.
B. Would you like to be the first?
C. Liberal democracy.
|
19 March 2017
|
The good old days were:
A. When we still believed in good old days.
B. Neither good, nor old, nor days.
C. A memory bin with a filter on the input.
D. When we still believed in good.
|
12 April 2017
|
The Trump strike on Syria to deter chemical weapons use?
A. A use of the message-sending theory of warfare in which,
unusually, the message may survive a twist of freight.
B. The wonking class is cautious, the rest know that the
stands are where you sit.
C. Pouring oil on troubled bonfires.
D. Who cares? I got a new hat, a very palpable hat.
|
3 July 2017
|
Your biggest problem in life is that there is no short word
meaning:
A. No.
B. Yes.
C. What exactly are you getting at?
D. A way a lone a last a loved a long the riverrun.
|
27 September 2017
|
If you assume the worst of people, you will often be:
A. Pleasantly surprised.
B. Unpleasantly surprised.
C. Unsurprised.
D. Exiled.
|
19 October 2017
|
When an auditor is fined for sloppy work, what happens?
A. They get more business. “That’s what we want!”
B. They lose business to auditors who haven’t been caught
and forced to clean up their act.
C. They cut bonuses and continue business as usual.
D. Nobody notices.
|
10 December 2017
|
How much do you think before you act?
A. None. I let my reflexes do their job.
B. Some. What happens next, and who can I blame it on?
C. A lot. I list the alternatives.
D. None. I set up a committee to study the question.
|
5 February 2018
|
What is your theory of why fashions change so fast?
A. The same reason the supermarket has ten flavors of canned
beans from each maker: Free enterprise gone wild.
B. Hungry outsiders seek to break into the high prestige zone
with new ideas. We must fend them off with slightly less creativity!
C. It’s biorhythms you can believe in, a superimposition of
cycles like the hemline cycle and so on.
D. I’m bored of the whole subject. Let’s change to a more
stylish topic.
|
9 March 2018
|
I don’t worry about the future because:
A. What future? It’s always now.
B. I’m sure that’s somebody else’s job.
C. It’s already too late.
D. My inevitable triumph approaches. Bwahahaha!
|
6 June 2018
|
Error bars are for:
A. Prying off the error cover.
B. Building error jail.
C. Drinking errors like it’s 1999.
D. Reinforcing error concrete.
|
12 July 2018
|
What is not said is:
A. whatever you needed to know.
B. coming up soon, with how much people talk.
C. anything that sounds bad.
D. unthinkable.
|
15 September 2018
|
Being able to hold two opposed ideas in mind is a sign of:
A. Long study of Cartesian philosophy.
B. Being a split-brain patient.
C. Experience in self-promotion.
D. Life.
|
4 December 2018
|
Cremation?
A. The environmentally conscious push up daisies, they don’t
pollute the air.
B. Let the survivors decide, they still care.
C. Can I be burned at the stake with a crowd watching?
D. To be held in a hole is wholly unholy!
|
7 January 2019
|
One swallow does not a summer make.
A. Keep counting. Three are enough.
B. But it does make a category error.
C. It takes at least half a bottle.
D. Lately we get summer for most of the year.
|
27 January 2019
|
What do they mean when they say “We will continue to scale”?
A. They’re growing or shrinking, and they don’t see a turn.
B. Soon the fish will be ready to gut.
C. We’re halfway up the cliff, we can’t stop now!
D. They’re weighing their answer.
|
17 May 2019
|
Behind every great aphorism is:
A. A misquote.
B. A misattribution.
C. A misunderstanding.
D. All of the above.
Corollary: If you know where it’s from and you got it right,
it’s no good.
|
23 July 2019
|
Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
A. The arrival of your immanent eminence is imminent.
B. Don’t forget to ask again later!
C. It’s about the journey, not the destination.
D. Hmm? Why would we ever get there?
|
4 September 2019
|
Forming Public Opinion
The truth is out there.
A. Way, way out there.
B. And it looks exactly like the rest of the landscape.
C. But if I keep talking, who’ll notice?
|
27 January 2020
|
Practice makes perfect.
A. Commit each mistake once and you’re done.
B. No, theory makes perfect.
C. But is my lifetime long enough?
D. Nothing makes perfect. Relax already.
|
15 February 2020
|
A house divided against itself:
A. will irritate the neighbors with its noise.
B. had better be properly balanced.
C. can be sold as condos.
D. yields one.
|
14 April 2020
|
I racked my brains and all I got was:
A. Dry brains.
B. Disjointed thoughts.
C. Brainwrack.
D. Um, at least the price is lower now that they’re off the rack.
|
28 April 2020
|
What is the correct answer to Housman in the COVID-19 world?
A. I, alone but unafraid
In a world with lemonade.
B. I’m a god and yet dismayed
By the world I up and made.
|
20 June 2020
|
How is your complacency doing in these troubled times?
A. Nothing can possibly disturb it.
B. I have a few worries. What if I can’t remain completely
carefree?
C. Can you pay me? I kinda got laid off.
D. Who are you? Are you from the government? Go away before
I get the shotgun!
|
1 August 2020
|
How do I know if I’m worrying exactly as much as I should?
A. Asking the question means you’re worrying too much.
B. Well, do you find surprises more often good or bad?
C. Don’t worry about it.
D. You can’t.
|
4 September 2020
|
Do you believe in topology?
A. I’m no bigot! All ologies are created equal.
B. Call me again when a topological insulator can keep my
house warm in winter.
C. No, but topography, that’s something I can get behind.
D. What? You made that up.
|
8 October 2020
|
How well is the world coping with its troubles?
A. Eh, we’ve lived through worse.
B. There can be no eutopia. I am aiming for me-topia.
C. As Panmurk said, everything is for the worst in this worst
of all possible worlds.
D. World? I don’t see anything like a world here.
|
5 November 2020
|
The vote counting goes on and on like the studio logos before a movie.
What is your feeling?
A. Anxiety.
B. Fear.
C. Terror.
D. Go evil!
|
26 November 2020
|
How are you getting along?
A. I’ll let you know later, if I live.
B. Let’s ask Monty Python about that.
C. Improving. Yesterday was panic, today is only despair.
D. No need to leave the house. Why can’t every year be
a plague year?
|
6 January 2021
|
The new year has come and the apocalypse is cancelled. What do you plan
for next time?
A. Nothing. Even if you live it’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
B. I’ll stockpile toilet paper ahead of time, instead of waiting
until the last minute. Those lines!
C. Um, get an annual flu shot?
D. It’s different every time. Prepare the asteroid bombs!
|
26 January 2021
|
Good always wins:
A. Because it’s such a good universe. I mean, look around!
B. Eventually.
C. If by winning you mean not dying yet.
D. Except in reality.
|
WHALE 7 April 2021
KEY religion, god, Christianity, silence of God, bureaucracy
TITLE origin quiz
What is the world’s true origin story?
A. In the beginning, the world had not filled out its forms,
which were void.
B. The vacuum collapsed to a lower energy state, as we can
recognize today from words like “Witherspoon” and “earwig”.
C. We cannot comment on matters about which We prefer not to
comment.
D. Grab your skates and your stick, let’s play some adhockery!
WHALE 29 May 2021
KEY principles, self-interest
TITLE ideals quiz
I will always remain true to my ideal of:
A. Revolution and radical change.
B. Absolute control of my public image.
C. Shooting down those who disagree.
D. Whatever I say tomorrow.
WHALE 5 June 2021
KEY speech pragmatics, paternalism, robbery
TITLE own good quiz
“It’s for somebody else’s good” is expressed as:
A. It’s for your own good. That’s why we didn’t ask what you
want.
B. It’s for the common good, and you’re rare.
C. I’m just following orders.
D. Your money or your life!
WHALE 11 June 2021
KEY Louie Gohmert, impossibility, belief
TITLE Gohmert quiz
“Is there anything that the National Forest Service, or BLM [Bureau of
Land Management] can do to change the course of the moon’s orbit or the
Earth’s orbit around the sun?” -- Louie Gohmert, Republican
representative of Texas
A. Sure they could, but they don’t want to wreck the ecosystems.
B. Hey, we could adjust the calendar to make sense!
C. Again I change my opinion of what is possible.
D. A good sign. He didn’t demand it, he asked first.
WHALE 25 July 2021
KEY friends
TITLE enemies quiz
Do you have enemies?
A. No, I am an enemy of having enemies.
B. Yes, an imaginary number. It makes life complex.
C. An enemy is only a friend you haven’t gotten rid of yet.
D. Not any more.
WHALE 16 August 2021
KEY image control
TITLE reputation quiz
“My reputation precedes me” means:
A. My refutation precedes me.
B. My reputation has precedence over me.
C. Finally, after all this time, something big to hide behind.
D. My reputation predeceases me.
WHALE 31 August 2021
KEY Voltaire, quote, God, wishes, enemies
TITLE wish quiz
Voltaire prayed to God to make his enemies ridiculous, and God granted
it. What has your wish-granting service made your enemies?
A. Lovable.
B. Insignificant.
C. Purblind.
D. Numerous.
WHALE 21 October 2021
KEY Facebook, renaming, metaverse
TITLE Facebook quiz
Facebook reportedly wants to change the name of its parent company, to
remind us all that it’s not only faces peering over the account books.
What should the new name be?
A. Fakesbook.
B. Faceboot.
C. Hmm, universe, multiverse, metaverse... I know! Diverse!
D. Cypris Kentrogon Vermigon Trichogen Alakazam.