The Universal Explainer
by Jay Scott and Elliott Moreton.
You can now explain anything to anyone.
- reasons that something is the case
- It’s a trivial corollary of Tychonoff’s Theorem.
- It’s one of those non-hierarchical dynamic facilitation
effects.
- It fits the theory better.
- Sister Mary Ignatius said so.
- That’s the natural order of things.
- By assumption.
- By definition.
- By induction.
- It’s epistemologically prior.
- Quantum effects.
- reasons that something seems to be the case, but isn’t
- It’s just a social construct.
- It’s all in the mind.
- Of course, that’s only if you believe in the axiom of choice.
- It’s just a trick of perspective.
- reasons that something was done
- It’s an election year.
- It’s in the contract.
- The court ordered it.
- For economies of scale.
- It’s good PR.
- Precedent.
- Popular sentiment.
- To maintain the dominance of the patriarchy.
- Their parents made them do it.
- It’s a stylistic convention.
- They’re only following orders.
- They did it for Jodie Foster.
- reasons something should be done
- The Russians are doing it, so we’d better do it too.
- The Russians are doing it, so we’d better not do it.
- It’ll look good on TV (or, on your resume).
- reasons that something is not so good
- They ran out of money halfway through.
- I guess they must just notta been thinkin’.
- The workers were alienated and marginalized.
- The alumni made them do it.
- EPA regulations.
- It’s a union work rule.
- It’s cultural inertia.
- Internal friction.
- Well, they’re still on the Julian calendar.
- reasons for the existence of something
- That’s just for the tourists (or, voters).
- It’s an IBM compatibility feature.
- It was tax deductible.
- That’s an artifact of the process.
- Interest rates were lower back then.
- Must be some religion.
- reasons to believe somebody
- Trust me, I’m a native speaker.
- Trust me, I majored in that.
- It’s my professional judgment.
- reasons why you can’t explain
- It would make sense if you understood Hegel.
- We’ll cover that in 402.
- I’d have to see the source code to answer that.
- It’s beyond the scope of this paper.
- other reasons
- Yeah, but that’s different!
- They were fleeing religious persecution.
- Just look at the unit circle.
- Well, they’re isomorphic.
- The speed of light is finite.
You can find lots of explanations for the same thing! Cross categories
creatively!
- Why is the sky blue?
- It’s an IBM compatibility feature.
- Why don’t my friends write back to me?
- They ran out of money halfway through.
- To maintain the dominance of the patriarchy.
- Why are computer chips so cheap?
- Well, they’re isomorphic.
- It would make sense if you understood Hegel.