The Universal Explainer

by Jay Scott and Elliott Moreton.

You can now explain anything to anyone.

• reasons that something is the case
• It's a trivial corollary of Tychonoff's Theorem.
• It's one of those non-hierarchical dynamic facilitation effects.
• It fits the theory better.
• Sister Mary Ignatius said so.
• That's the natural order of things.
• By assumption.
• By definition.
• By induction.
• It's epistemologically prior.
• Quantum effects.
• reasons that something seems to be the case, but isn't
• It's just a social construct.
• It's all in the mind.
• Of course, that's only if you believe in the axiom of choice.
• It's just a trick of perspective.
• reasons that something was done
• It's an election year.
• It's in the contract.
• The court ordered it.
• For economies of scale.
• It's good PR.
• Precedent.
• Popular sentiment.
• To maintain the dominance of the patriarchy.
• Their parents made them do it.
• It's a stylistic convention.
• They're only following orders.
• They did it for Jodie Foster.
• reasons something should be done
• The Russians are doing it, so we'd better do it too.
• The Russians are doing it, so we'd better not do it.
• It'll look good on TV (or, on your resume).
• reasons that something is not so good
• They ran out of money halfway through.
• I guess they must just notta been thinkin'.
• The workers were alienated and marginalized.
• The alumni made them do it.
• EPA regulations.
• It's a union work rule.
• It's cultural inertia.
• Internal friction.
• Well, they're still on the Julian calendar.
• reasons for the existence of something
• That's just for the tourists (or, voters).
• It's an IBM compatibility feature.
• It was tax deductible.
• That's an artifact of the process.
• Interest rates were lower back then.
• Must be some religion.
• reasons to believe somebody
• Trust me, I'm a native speaker.
• Trust me, I majored in that.
• It's my professional judgment.
• reasons why you can't explain
• It would make sense if you understood Hegel.
• We'll cover that in 402.
• I'd have to see the source code to answer that.
• It's beyond the scope of this paper.
• other reasons
• Yeah, but that's different!
• They were fleeing religious persecution.
• Just look at the unit circle.
• Well, they're isomorphic.
• The speed of light is finite.

You can find lots of explanations for the same thing! Cross categories creatively!

• Why is the sky blue?
• It's an IBM compatibility feature.
• Why don't my friends write back to me?
• They ran out of money halfway through.
• To maintain the dominance of the patriarchy.
• Why are computer chips so cheap?
• Well, they're isomorphic.
• It would make sense if you understood Hegel.