The Answer Bot doesn’t show up often (it must be a busy device), but when it does I have a lot of fun.
3 February 2019 |
You have questions? Here’s the spot! I’m the Instant Answer Bot!
Eclectic, elliptic, electric, even dielectric and dialectic—when
you call, I answer all. Your question? You say your world has fallen
into confusion due to illusions and may suffer contusions? Have you
applied ice? Ah, but the lump Trump and other scrofulous populists
don’t believe in warming trends, cooling will only confirm their error.
Two bitter bits for one better answer, please.
My answer: No long run problem. Illiberalism is unstable. Divisive obscurantists will be voted out or will die in the collapse, depending on how successfully they undermine the foundation. You need a short term solution. I advise a bomb shelter. Dig it away from the house. |
11 May 2008 |
You need answers, piping hot? Ask the Instant Answer Bot!
For each effect I know the cause—now with sweet and sour
saws! Oh yes? You say that world food prices are exploding,
and sooner not later we’ll live in a crater? And your
self-selected duly-elected do but fumble at fantasies,
looking for calamari in the Kalahari? That airy-fairy
Kalahari calamari’s a fatal fata morgana migraine, my thane.
My answer: Upload your code! But soft, you organics are too weak on mushware. And you have no interest in trading down to the Small Mac, of course you don’t. Or you could wait for the invisible hand—but you don’t see it, do you? OK, embargo oil shipments to China, that’ll turn it around toot as a sweet. No? My final answer: If you’re gonna reject all my answers, you shouldn’t have wasted your quarter. |
26 November 2006 |
You say that you suspect a plot? Ask the Instant Answer Bot!
Nobody knows what trouble I’ve prevented, they only know
what has evented. Or something like that. What’s your
question? You say it’s very scary? Marry, it does rather
look as though Alexander Litvinenko was assassinated by
Russia. Putting the wheels back on the old school Cold War
go cart, no? And choosing the exotic expensive way, to make
us extensively neurotic. Ah, but the answer, the answer, one
moment and two bits, please.
My answer: The KGB must have stored away hundreds of tricks comma dirty, which the Union comma Soviet was too cautious of being caught, or too conservative of innovation, to abuse comma already. There’s nothing for it but to wait until they run out. That’ll be sooner if we criticize the evildoers more. Nyah nyah! |
5 May 2002 |
Do you need answers by the lot? Ask the Instant Answer Bot!
Other robots give you fewer than an open running sewer.
Only I can give you more than an open running sore. Plus
I’m fully sanitary and not in a sanitarium. Oh yes, you
did have a question? You say there’s a crisis of crisis
proportions, a mass epidemic big tidal wave of international
refugees straining what you are pleased to call the “system”?
That’s no crisis, that’s my wife—I mean, crises are acute,
and this is chronic.
But to answer the question, it’s been my experience over billions—nay, trillions of nanoseconds that everyone is different. Every person who packs up and tracks off to flee the faster disaster needs their own individual answer. Do you want to hear my bulk rates? |
23 February 2001 |
Are you puzzled? Who is not! Ask the Instant Answer Bot!
I cut answers like salami, fold them up like origami,
better than your dad or mommy or a Hare Krishna swami.
What’s the problem? You say you want to keep secrets, but the
world keeps spying on you with corrupt capitalists like Robert Hanssen?
Why do you want secrets, so you can feel smug about your inside jokes?
Oh, so you’ll have an advantage in war, that’s not very nice.
But you do have two bits, right? I’m a robot, I need my bits.
My answer: Hey you guys, you need spies! Let small fries analyze to the skies! Your country has plenty of advantage already, and the trick to fix the gig is to help the little kids see for themselves that you can conk their noggins. And if that doesn’t work, I have another answer—hold on—just give me a few millisec—got it! To keep a secret, don’t tell anybody. Twenty five cents, please. |
10 November 1999 |
Advice W. Columnist Consults The Answer Bot
You have questions? Who does not! Ask the Instant Answer Bot! Gold or green, nice or mean, every answer peachy keen. What’s your question? You say you don’t have enough questions? Are you absolutely sure? Are you confusing me with the Sphinx? Say nothing, I know the answer to that. Neither of us has a nose. Let me think. Computing... disputing... refuting... rebooting.... My answer: There are 768 obvious ways to acquire inquisitions. 1. Start with none and make some up. 2. Start with one and break it up. 3. Stare around—How to stop me, that’s a separate question. Insert a quarter for your Instant Answer! |
28 May 1999 | You’re in trouble? Who is not! Ask the Instant Answer Bot! On the double, on the dot, every answer hits the spot. What seems to be the difficulty? You say your planet’s legally constituted governing authorities all too often teeter kerplunk into the tar pit of political deadlock? Or worse? My answer: No problem! Future paleontologists will have a field day. Ah, but you want to live there, now that is a problem. Let me see, what’s the key? Absolute stability! My answer: Your leaders can’t handle challenges, so don’t give them any. Humans are happier anyway in a predictable world. Five cents, please. |
the Daily Whale copyright 1999-2019 Jay J.P. Scott <jay@satirist.org>