the Daily Whale - blurbs

Jay Scott : Daily Whale : archive : blurbs

At the bottom of the Daily Whale’s front page is a blurb that I have changed almost every month since the Daily Whale restarted in 1998. A little later, I realized that I should write down each month’s blurb, and years later another neuron fired and I realized that I should let everybody see the record.

My favorite is December 2000. February 2009 and March 2022 are not bad either.

Nov 1998bigger than cheese food product
Dec 1998value-added humor product
 
Jan 1999the official website of lunch
Mar 1999trillions of electrons can’t be wrong
Apr 1999not available in any store
Jun 1999with real noodles!
Jul 1999keep cool and dry
Aug 1999sanitized for your protection
Sep 1999100% fat free
Oct 1999unauthorized personnel only
Nov 1999moderately vaunted
Dec 1999“Passable.” — H.L. Mencken
 
Jan 2000Y2K k-komplient
Feb 2000fully accessorized
Mar 2000top 100% of all web sites
Apr 2000TOP SECRET - EYES ONLY
May 2000freshness sealed
Jun 2000hecho en ee uu
Jul 2000sanitized for your protection
Aug 2000insanitized for your infection
Sep 2000reseal with plastic lid
Oct 2000fun for some ages
Nov 2000insanely OK
Dec 2000happy hollandaise!
 
Jan 2001your message elsewhere
Feb 2001a cornucopia of corn
Mar 2001e^(i*pi)+1 sold!
Apr 2001the other green bread
May 2001it’s digital!
Jun 2001the bunk stops here
Jul 2001victory through air fresheners
Aug 2001old! unimproved!
Sep 2001made with a macaroni
Oct 2001best when viewed
Nov 2001I’m with superintelligent ->
Dec 2001cheeses love you
 
Jan 2002shake well before using
Feb 2002don’t watch this space
Mar 2002food pyramid power!
Apr 2002a figment of your reality
May 2002twist to open
Jun 2002the unhealthy alternative
Jul 2002no alibis beyond this point
Aug 2002active ingredient: passivity
Sep 2002oilier than thou
Oct 2002service with a smirk
Nov 2002100% superbium alloy
Dec 2002hello, seasoning
 
Jan 2003made with a raincoat
Feb 2003or double your funny back
Mar 2003not labeled for retail sale
Apr 2003not labeled for retail sale
May 2003may contain peanuts
Jun 2003some stopping any time
Jul 2003fragile - do not drub
Aug 2003wealth! power! chocolate!
Sep 2003used opinions 50% off
Oct 2003used opinions 50% off
Nov 2003unclassified nonmilitary noninformation
Dec 2003your solstice holiday name here
 
Jan 2004another day, another dolabra
Feb 20047,565,824 bits can’t be wrong
Mar 2004no geniuses were harmed
Apr 2004bozo mojo
May 2004bozo mojo
Jun 2004may be cold before cooking
Jul 200410% discount at Slogan City
Aug 2004no pun unintended
Sep 2004be still my fleeting art
Oct 2004no settling may have occurred
Nov 2004during sniping and handling
Dec 2004“oh yellow Yule,” you’ll yell
 
Jan 2005deicing the wings of imagination
Feb 2005warning: implicit content
Mar 2005vehicle makes frequent turns
Apr 2005now plutonium free!
May 2005not trite and true, tried and false
Jun 2005one small slap for a man
Jul 2005no smirking
Aug 2005parental discretion ill-advised
Sep 2005let it drain, let it drain, let it drain
Oct 2005baked fresh daily
Nov 2005here despite popular demand
Dec 2005never needs winding up
 
Jan 2006come into my parlor
Feb 2006come into my parlor
Mar 2006not a significant source of trans fat
Apr 2006warning: some juvenile content
May 2006your gall is important to us
Jun 2006refrigerate before knocking
Jul 2006notice: this is not a warning
Aug 2006your ad elsewhere
Sep 2006natural and artificial flavors
Oct 2006do not write under this line
Nov 2006there were insinuating circumstances
Dec 2006love it or lump it
 
Jan 2007experts in demotivational science
Feb 2007will shop for food
Mar 2007lazy but functional
Apr 2007contains no preservatives
May 2007for external use only
Jun 2007saturated fat 0g
Jul 2007a subsidiary of the universal chaos
Aug 2007adding to information overload since 1991
Sep 2007science of the iambs
Oct 2007science of the iambs
Nov 2007100% naturally artificial
Dec 2007nipping at the heels of bread
 
Jan 2008agile - handle with flair
Feb 2008immature audiences only
Mar 2008ACID-compliant
Apr 2008dinosaur-safe
May 2008unrestricted area
Jun 2008contents may be twisted
Jul 2008breakfast of champagnes
Aug 2008satirization guaranteed
Sep 2008happiness is a worm pun
Oct 2008this caption intentionally left blank
Nov 2008refrigerate unused portion
Dec 2008your smilage may vary
 
Jan 2009probably not especially bad for you
Feb 2009instant depth - just add water
Mar 2009best viewed thoughtfully
Apr 2009not safe for worms
May 2009for office use only
Jun 2009NSFL (Not Safe For Leisure)
Jul 2009time toasted
Aug 2009warning: childish content
Sep 2009ribbing for your pleasure
Oct 2009low mineral content
Nov 2009hyperallergenic, dermatologist feared
Dec 2009steal this blurb
 
Jan 2010the original non-dairy creamer
Feb 2010all wrongs deserved
Mar 2010inadequately thoroughly inadequate
Apr 2010100% original fakes
May 2010munificent solid waste
Jun 2010antisocialist unrealism
Jul 2010an uncapped well of truth
Aug 2010moral irrelevantism
Sep 2010it’s literally figurative
Oct 2010this space intentionally filled in
Nov 2010unbounded insight on topics of measure zero
Dec 2010fleeing that sinking with that singing feeling
 
Jan 2011illegal insight trading
Feb 2011improprietary information
Mar 2011only some kinds of funny
Apr 2011Zeno weevil
May 2011class A product, may cause interference
Jun 2011warning: for living audiences only
Jul 2011this satire is not a toy
Aug 2011protected by quantum nondemolition
Sep 2011warning * vacuous claims * may implode
Oct 2011no job too medium-sized
Nov 2011suitable for all non-audiences
Dec 2011Occupy the Ground State
 
Jan 2012policy line * do not cross
Feb 2012thank you for not reading this message
Mar 2012this slogan is non-normative
Apr 2012not for rent or sale
May 2012great homemade taste
Jun 2012encrypt rirelguvat
Jul 2012crimes against inhumanity
Aug 2012you must be at least this tall to understand the Whale
Sep 2012world fameless
Oct 2012check your worldview - may leave residue
Nov 2012under old management
Dec 2012no-nonsense nonsense
 
Jan 2013based on a false story
Feb 2013neither guns nor butter
Mar 2013does not constitute legal advice
Apr 2013for use in well-ventilated areas only
May 2013all views subtly hinted at are mine
Jun 2013need needless needling?
Jul 2013caution: vehicle makes frequent starts
Aug 2013to reduce risk of fire, ignore these instructions
Sep 2013thank you for not reading this message
Oct 2013flag: numbskull and crossed funny bones
Nov 2013for ages 101 and up
Dec 2013if you have nothing good to say, publish it
 
Jan 2014made with real ideals
Feb 2014not recommended for professional use
Mar 2014a safe home for battered shrimp
Apr 2014warning: this toy is not a toy
May 2014a life of quiet desecration
Jun 2014avoid where it’s prohibited
Jul 2014weaponized humor product
Aug 2014all systems norbal
Sep 2014it’s like totally [redacted]
Oct 2014some disassembly required
Nov 2014harmful if swallowed
Dec 2014positive eclectic charge
 
Jan 20150% relative humility
Feb 2015do not operate heavy machinery while reading
Mar 2015do not operate heavy machinery while reading
Apr 2015reader indiscretion advised
May 2015sorry we’re OPEN
Jun 2015not to scale
Jul 2015parental advisory: only funny to some people
Aug 2015apply as needed
Sep 2015close enough for making-stuff-up work
Oct 2015not a major motion picture!
Nov 2015at an internet near you
Dec 2015do not bend, fold, or annihilate with antimatter
 
Jan 2016authentic fabrications
Feb 2016this section is non-normative
Mar 2016a legend in the mocking
Apr 2016our apologies for any convenience
May 2016not a substitute for professional health care
Jun 2016almost sort of true-ish
Jul 2016now 10% more disturbing!
Aug 2016not what it doesn’t look like
Sep 2016made with REAL snark
Oct 2016may be unsuitable for humans
Nov 2016packed by weight, not volume
Dec 2016some settling may occur
 
Jan 2017except as permitted by law
Feb 2017less bad than ever before!
Mar 2017serving suggestion
Apr 2017factoids you can “trust”
May 2017warranty void if universe explodes
Jun 2017100% glutton free
Jul 2017or current resident
Aug 2017not dangerous at any speed
Sep 2017buy it, get the next life free
Oct 2017no postage necessary
Nov 2017your RDA of truth food product
Dec 2017this blurb is absolutely true
 
Jan 2018be sustainable, use green pixels
Feb 2018full disclosure: I’m not saying everything
Mar 2018non-toxic non-waste
Apr 2018absolutely TRUE (some limitations apply)
May 2018inappropriate for all ages
Jun 2018half wholesome, wholly halfsome
Jul 2018fabrications you can trust
Aug 2018a little space alien told me
Sep 2018better than truth
Oct 2018not as bad as genocide
Nov 2018a fad-free diet
Dec 2018warning: correlated with risk factors for bad statistics
 
Jan 2019FREE (inclusive of applicable taxes)
Feb 2019You’ll never forget another... uh....
Mar 2019actual size
Apr 2019THIS PAGE IS UNCLASSIFIED
May 2019allow 6 to 8 milliseconds for delivery
Jun 2019Official When Capitalized
Jul 2019for misinformational purposes only
Aug 2019for your own safety, please stand behind party line
Sep 2019non-fake non-news
Oct 2019120% less confusing
Nov 2019not enough shortages
Dec 2019CHOKING HAZARD - keep away from small minds
 
Jan 2020it’s 2020, clarify your vision
Feb 2020fraught with insignificance
Mar 2020extra medium-sized
Apr 2020no echidnas were harmed
May 2020a note on the corkboard of eternity
Jun 2020faster than empires and more small
Jul 2020history in the mocking
Aug 2020a mockery of injustice
Sep 2020void where permitted
Oct 2020for an unlimited time only
Nov 2020resists crazing
Dec 2020WORLD’S BEST SLOGAN
 
Jan 2021good source of moral fiber
Feb 2021piracy policy: it’s all made up from scratch
Mar 2021misuse as directed
Apr 2021the miracle of inaccurate conception
May 2021gluten free
Jun 2021practically crammed with gluten
Jul 2021the world is my cloister
Aug 2021made with ingredients, for real!
Sep 2021where everyone is a leader
Oct 2021award-losing
Nov 2021sluicing truth into your heart
Dec 2021will work for time off
 
Jan 2022meets the highest nonstandards
Feb 2022NO STEP
Mar 2022uncritically acclaimed
Apr 2022fortified enriched truth food product
May 2022TRIGGER WARNING: insidious truths
Jun 2022do not fill above this line
Jul 2022a clean lint-free argument
Aug 2022to open lift here
Sep 2022crimes against insanity
Oct 2022DANGER serious inquiry may occur
Nov 2022public disservice announcements
Dec 2022while quantities last

the Daily Whale || copyright 1998-2022 Jay J.P. Scott <jay@satirist.org>