Shy People’s Dictionary

If this is not cynical enough for you, see Devil’s Advocate for the Shy.

Jay Scott : Daily Whale : archive : Shy Dictionary

27 January 2002	anxiety - A form of investment capital which must be avoided today in order to grow greater tomorrow.
16 April 1993	avoid - To do the right thing.
18 May 2001	beauty - The power to reject more than one simultaneous suitor.
17 February 2001	compliment - When given, the admirable truth; when received, damn praise to faint of.
13 March 2020	COVID-19 - At long last, a socially acceptable way to steer clear of the shoals of social acceptability.
20 January 2001	debate - A friendly contest in which two or more people, other than you, draw unwanted attention away from you.
30 August 2007	extroversion - A kind of olive oil.
4 November 2000	fault - Your greatest possession; wherever it is to be found, it is yours.
15 April 1993	fear - An important consideration in all other decisions. (See guilt.)
12 June 1998	friend - A rare type of person, a veritable Noah prepared for a deluge of all the words not spoken to other people.
15 April 1993	guilt - An important consideration in many decisions. (See fear.)
14 October 2001	heartbreak - A welcome respite from loneliness.
27 April 1998	interrupt - The conversational act of breaking and entering, allowed by law for others but constitutionally prohibited for you.
16 March 2006	job interview - A death sentence in which you are the one responsible for good execution. You will pass through to either the hell of the first day of work, or the heaven of poverty—until you try again.
17 August 2001	laudable - Audible.
21 October 2020	lockdown - Blessed relief.
12 April 1993	love - An emotionally risky substitute for chocolate.
8 February 2005	no - When spoken by oneself, “Please make everything go away so I can return to my normal life of desperate quiet”; spoken by another, “Drop dead.”
8 April 1998	public speaking - A serious emergency, similar to public streaking but more likely to be necessary.
3 October 2002	rejection - The natural consequence of the unnatural act of asking.
19 December 2000	shyness, acute - A variety of cognitive-affective disorder, in which you think you’re feeling though you feel you can’t think.
20 December 2000	shyness, chronic - A learned response of adaptive protection against the risk of having fun.
13 April 1993	silence - 1. An important means of protection against judgment.
17 October 2000	silence - 2. A valid expression of your feelings. 3. A valid absence of expression of your feelings.
13 September 2008	smirk - Among standard human beings, a signal of perceived superiority. Expressed by the socially insecure, a defensive response meaning “I get it, the joke’s on me”.
14 March 2020	social distancing - Maintaining a natural and correct state of affairs, as others so rarely do.
14 April 1993	speak - To perform a dangerous activity as quietly as possible.
31 March 1999	telephone - 1. A torture device allowing friends and strangers to evoke embarrassing social gaffes from a distance. 2. A defensive device to prevent embarrassing social gaffes by keeping friends and strangers at a distance.
28 August 1998	terrorist - A person who says “Hi, how are you?”
25 July 1999	turtle - A reckless animal which sometimes sticks its head out of its shell.
8 August 1998	Unabomber - The joyous proof that at least one person is more messed up than you.
6 March 2003	vending machine - The preferable alternative to trial in the food court, and a way out for the mazed to chip in for maize.